This was the view from our front door this morning:



How did the area react to this teeny-tiny amount of snow, you may ask...ALLL OF THE SCHOOLS ARE EITHER CLOSED OR DELAYED 2 HOURS! I just found that hilarious. Back in Maine we would hardly even call that a snowstorm. Too funny!

No...This is Not a Dream!

You don't need to pinch yourself, or rub your eyes - this is not a mirage, I have in fact blogged! I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock.

So, how do I start this long over due post? I guess I should apologize for being such a delinquent blogger. I've struggled with what to say. I guess in a way I've been overwhelmed by all the changes in life since the last time I wrote anything. Most of you know this but for those that don't we left Maine on Monday, May 19 and arrived in North Carolina on the 20th. I left Maine feeling completely blessed because I was able to spend an incredible weekend at the Women's Prayer Retreat the three days before the move. It was a great weekend alone with the Lord and a fabulous way to spend time with my incredible friends at PIWC (and when I got home on Sunday everything was loaded on the truck so all I had to do was clean up). While there is no way to be completely prepared to leave such close relationships, that weekend away together made it a little bit easier.

When we left on the 19th we officially began our life as a homeless couple. As we drove down to NC the Lord blessed us with a contact for a condo to rent down here and so as I drove through Pennsylvania I called the realtor and arranged to see the place on the 21st. We signed the rental agreement about two hours after looking at the place and moved in on Thursday, May 22. Rob then started work the very next day! Let's just say it was a wild week!! I am so thankful that my friends Mike and Sandra allowed us to stay at their home those couple of homeless nights. Not only was it a blessing to our dwindling bank account, but more importantly it was a blessing to our hearts to spend time with such great friends after over 15 years apart.

One of the things my friends in Maine prayed about while we were at the prayer retreat was fellowship. God has been faithfully providing. As we were preparing for the move I began emailing one of the Admin. Assistants at our church down here and the Lord has used Karen and her husband Robin to bless us over and over. They quickly became our first "couple friends". And Robin helped to occupy my unemployed days with his books (Insert shameless plug here --- Robin Parrish just release the final book in his "Dominion Trilogy" These books were an action packed, twist and turn filled, blast to read. Head to your local bookstore and pick them up. They are available at Christian and mainstream bookstores!) We have, over the weeks/months we've been here made some more friends and are beginning to feel at home here.

Well I know I have not covered everything but I don't want to overwhelm you with EVERYTHING all at once. So I make you this promise; if you will bless me with your presence, I will provide you with something to read on a much, much, much faster basis. Thanks for not giving up on me completely.

Thoughts That Wake You Up in The Night

Hello everyone, let me introduce myself. I'm Robert, or Rob. Heather's husband. This is something that I don't do(blog) but I feel like I need to. Let me tell you a little bit about myself.. I'm 38 going on 39. I work for Time Warner (and only just recently got into a position that I really like a lot). My dream growing up was to always marry a beautiful woman who loves God and me, and to have a family. Now part of that dream has come true. The rest Heather and I are still working on as you know. Now just to put this out there, if I knew what I know now before I had asked Heather to marry me I still would have done it. Life with Heather is better than anything. Do I want kids? Yes, but I would not give up Heather for that.

Now the way I tend to deal with a lot of things in my life is to bury them deep, don't think about it and move on with life. Not saying it is the best way or even a good way to deal with things. But it's just how I do it for now.

Those of you who have been following Heather's blog know that about a year ago we found out Heather was pregnant. Now just before we had found this out I was praying to God, asking for some kind of sign that what I felt and believed that God had said (that Heather and I would have kids) was true. Well low and behold he answered with Heather being pregnant. Blew me away. I was on top of the world and so very happy. Then we lost the child a few weeks into the pregnancy. Now this is where things start to get hard for me to write. You see one thing that I can't stand is to see Heather hurt. I am the kind of person that wants to fix it if its broken.. Well to say the least Heather and I were hurting. I felt like God gave me a sign, so I shouldn't be angry, and for the most part I wasn't.. I hurt and wanted to help Heather with the hurt but couldn't to a point. So like I do most of the time, I put it away into the far reaches of my mind, was strong for my wife, was that shoulder to cry on and such. Now its not something I just forget about, because not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I see things in movies, on TV, and such that makes me think about what life would have been like with a child. Just last night Heather and I watched a movie with a father and daughter. I told Heather that the relationship they had as father and daughter in the movie is what I believe my daughter and I would have, if we had one. It didn't help that yesterday in church they had up a father and son camping trip ad for the folks in our church. Even though I don't show it on the outside, that kind of stuff hurts. It hurts a lot. I feel like I have lost my faith in what I thought was God's promise; that He would bless us with a child. All I ever wanted was a child between Heather and I. I want to see what that child would look like whether it was a boy or a girl. With her features and mine. I want to know what it's like to have a part of you that you and your spouse made. To know that feeling of loving your child more then anything and wanting to do everything you can for that child. But as of late I have lost my faith in whether or not I will ever know that. I'm sure God has some plan or at least I keep trying tell myself that.. I do know that if He does, that His plan is the best way and no other way would work. But that doesn't always make me feel better. I know I'm not old, but I feel myself starting to get old. I look at the fact that if we have a child now, I'll be pushing 60 before that child gets out of High School. If we have more than one I'm sure I will be over 60 by the time the last one is out. I cold be well into my 70s and 80s before I would see grandchildren. (see these are things I think about)

Now I know there are those out there that say, just give it time, it will happen or just stop trying and when you do it will happen. Man how I hate hearing that. If people knew what it was like wanting kids of your own and not being able too, they would never say things like that. There is always adoption and I'm for that, I think that is a great thing (my father was adopted), but for right now I can't do that, I'm still holding to what a child between Heather and I would look like. Earlier I said I wasn't too angry, but I am, I hurt and get angry and wonder if what I thought was God's promise or at least saying we would have kids was real. Which in turn makes things worse because now I doubt my God who knows best, and I know He does. Humanity is such a curse at times.

Our pastor yesterday was preaching from Joshua, about how the people had no faith to cross into the promiseland and take the land that God had for them. We wonder how they could not have that faith when He had the pillar of fire and smoke for them to follow day and night, dropped manna from the sky for them to eat and water from the rocks for them to drink. After seeing all that they had unbelief. I guess its not too hard to understand since I have unbelief now about rather I'll ever be a father. Not really sure why I'm even writing all of this, just felt like I needed to get out of bed and write this.

Please pray for Heather and I. I know a lot of this is also what she is feeling too. I long so much for a child, and I know at times it must not show cause I bury things away so I don't have to deal with the hurt and pain. I know there are those of you out there that are reading this that can also understand, weather it's with not having kids of your own or other things in your life. Pray for us and each other as we will be doing the same for you. I do know God has a plan for Heather and I. I don't know what it is, but I do know that it's Gods plan therefor it's the only way. Does not mean I still don't hurt.

"REVERSAL!!!!"

Have you ever been in dead stopped, haven't moved an inch for who knows how long traffic? You know, the kind of traffic that forces you to settle into your seat and try to find a comfy resting position because you know you won't be driving for a long, long, long time?

The funny thing about this kind of traffic is that quite often, usually at the same moment you find that perfectly comfortable "I'm going be at this corner for the rest of my life" position, traffic suddenly moves - it doesn't ease back into forward motion, it gets going at a breakneck speed and you find yourself scrambling to find the gas pedal and to take the car out of park.

That's kind of how life feels right about now, like I'm scrambling to find the gas pedal and gear shift because life just jumped into hyper speed. A couple of months ago Rob and I decided to try to move to North Carolina so we could be near family and a bunch of other reasons that would bore you. When we made the decision the reality of actually making the move seemed a lifetime away, and for those few months things seemed at move at an almost impercievable pace. That all changed on Tuesday. Someone yelled out "REVERSAL" (if this word doesn't mean anything to you check out this post) and all of a sudden we are having to pack up everything we own, find a place to live and say goodbye to some of the best friends we have ever had in a mere 21 days. That's right, you read correctly. Rob and I will be leaving for North Carolina in what is now less than 3 weeks! Breathe - breathe - breathe! (those are reminders for me by the way, I sometimes forget to breathe when I get stressed)

While I am definitely feeling some major stress (which has led to difficulty sleeping and....let's just say intestinal "issues"), I have to say that God has been so faithful through all of this. He has displayed His kindness and provision over and over again. I can't pull all of this together in such a short amount of time, but He can! So when you see me stressing out, remind me of two very important things:
1)To breathe

2)God is good and more than able to take care of all of my concerns.

Truth

Last night at church I had to face a truth within myself that I really didn't want to admit to. I'm mad at God. I'm mad that instead of preparing for a birth this month, my womb is still empty. I'm mad that He has saved other pregnancies but did not save mine. I'm mad that I'm surrounded by news of blessings but I have been passed by. But I don't want to be mad. While everything within me yells that God has forgotten me, that He never really cared, the still, small voice of the Lord reminds me that He is "near to the brokenhearted, and saves those crushed in spirit" (Ps 34:18) and that He "causes all things to work together for good.." (Rom 8:28). His Spirit won't let me forget that He is purposeful, that He doesn't do things just for the fun of it, He has a plan behind every move He makes.

As I was working through my homework for the Beth Moore "Stepping Up - A journey through the Psalms of Ascent" bible study I'm doing my anger with the Lord was still brewing quietly in the back of my mind. Near the end of my homework I read the following (I've put my thoughts as I read this in parenthesis so you can see where my mind was at the time);

"Take heart that God sees you and is moved by your plight. (yeah, right) He still performs wonders. (not for me) Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Profess your belief to Him daily that you will see the evidence of His gracious hand (what good will that do? ) and, like the psalmist David, stay confident of this: 'I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord'(Ps 27:13-14)(thank you Lord,forgive my doubting heart)"

This section completely humbled me and helped me readjust my thinking. You see last May, while at our Women's Prayer Retreat, the Lord gave me that very verse to quiet my doubting heart and to remind me of His tender love for me. Only a God that cares deeply for me would put this reminder before me just when I needed it. Whether I have a child or not, I can not deny the goodness of the Lord. He alone is sovereign and I must trust Him as I walk this journey. His ways are far higher than mine. Who am I to question Him, and yet because I am His child He allows me to question Him and then He wraps His arms around me as He heals my hurting heart. Thank you dear Lord. Thank you.

American Idol Shocker

When I got to work on Friday I was surrounded by people talking about the "American Idol Shocker" from the night before. You see, when the bottom three were announced, 2 of the 3 contestants were known favorites in the competition. And then, when the person leaving the show was announced, everyone - contestants, judges, audience and TV viewers alike, were stunned. One of the top contestants was leaving.

But when I watched the episode on Friday night, all of that drama was not what shocked me. It was the opening ensemble piece the top 8 performed. Watch and see what amazed me so...

The End of An Era

As you can tell I have been in need of a new bible for awhile now. This sounds like an easy task, go online (or if you live anywhere but here you could actually go to a store, WalMart doesn't have much of a selection) put a new bible in your shopping cart, hit a couple of keys and next thing you know a new shiny bible sits at your door. But this wasn't an easy process for me. In fact it took me about 3 months to get a new bible. There was no problem with shipping, or items being out of stock. It was all me. I was having a hard time giving up my old friend.

You see, I've had this same bible nearly all of my christian life. My grandparents gave it to me for Christmas back in 1986. As I flip through the pages of this bible I can see myself growing up. There are passages underlined with red marker because back in jr. high I didn't know that marker would bleed through the pages of a bible. I found notes written in the margin that can only be described as jr. high girl fluffy writing - you know all the the 'i' have circles or hearts above them instead of a little dot.

Even if it's not clearly marked with a specific clue there are passages underlined that take me right back to a certain place or time. In ninth grade we had one class period that was a school wide "Drop-Everything-And-Read" time. I was a fairly new believer and liked to read my bible during this time. I don't remember why, but I had for some reason decided to read Revelations during DEAR time. I remember as if it were yesterday, reading and underlining this passage in Rev. 21. I was so excited by what I read I literally ran all the way to my next class, choir, threw open the door and called out to my Christian friends "Did you know that the there would be no sun or moon in heaven because the Glory of God illuminates it! Isn't that rad!!" So now when I see this passage underlined I am reminded of my new christian enthusiasm and am convicted when I don't get just as excited by God's word.

There are other sections that have dates or names written beside them. These help me remember all that the Lord has brought me through over the years. Loss of friendships that left me eating alone in my car every lunch period my senior year of high school, all I had to depend on was my bible and time with the Lord. It was during this time that the Lord taught me that He alone is sufficient. Or facing the truth about my past. The Lord used His word to heal a broken heart and to wash away years of shame. And most recently, the Lord has used His word to teach me that despite month after month, and year after year of disappointment He IS trustworthy, and loving. I've learned that trust really isn't trust when you get what you want when you want it, true trust happens when it appears that there is no way you will get what you want and you instead trust that He will provide what you need, when you trust His heart more than you trust your own.

So here I am with a brand new bible filled with crisp, clean pages waiting to see what new lessons lie before me, what new memories will lie within these pages.

Spring Starts When??

This is the view from my guest bedroom window, the view from the master bedroom is just about the same. What are you looking at, you ask? Snow. Lots and lots of snow. Last weekend our roof was shoveled and the result is that we can no longer see out of our windows. Here we are a couple of days before the official start to spring and all I can see is snow! I'm tired of snow. I want green grass, and flowers blooming (deep sigh) but all I have is snow.

A Cacamaka Birthday To You!

Tomorrow is my "sister" Nicole's birthday (I won't tell you how old she is because she just might stretch her hand out and slap me from clear across the country). I thought I would write her a little note to wish her a happy bithday. Sorry if some of this doesn't make sense to you, just use your imaginations and laugh along with the things that sound funny even if you don't know what they are.

Cole,
I chose to put this picture up because it brings back so many great memories:
- roller blading in the kitchen, or to Karen Schanzenbach's (what were we thinking???) or you trying to skate with a giant box
- our annual "first flood, puddle jumping days"
- Buddy, the only tone deaf dove ever created
- late night talks in our "hallway"
- "Oh-00 say do my boobs..." (Sing along with me, I know you want to)
- our "spontaneous" trip to Oregon and Washington
- being so poor we couldn't even afford to share a Happy Meal
- all the "wild and crazy" New Year's Eve parties we planned. Why didn't we become professional party planners??? Oh yeah, no one showed up.
- "STEAMROLL!!"
- leaving microwave popcorn on your wall for 5 years may be a great way to remember that being single is MUCH better than dating Mr. Wrong, but it leaves nasty butter stains on the wall
- "Driving with only one contact is weird"
- grocery shopping with Dad, or in the pantry of any of our "adopt-a-families"
- can't afford a cordless phone? Get a 50 foot cord instead
- Shy-Shy
- Heather, the most intimidating person in the world!
- calling all of our friends to if they could see their feet when they looked straight down
- late night Reno runs
- reading lips through your bedroom window

Remember the first time we met? The cowgirl meets the preppy. How could we have ever guessed that nearly 15 years later we would still be friends. After all I didn't want a friend, I only wanted someone I could stand being roommates with. I'm so thankful God didn't give me what I wanted but what I needed. The Lord used you to minister to me as I went through some of the toughest years of my life. You kept me laughing, and made home a safe place to be. Thank you. You taught me that it's OK to stand up for myself and that PJ's don't always have to match.

You are a faithful friend and I love you dearly. The "Great Divorce" may have ended us being roommates, but it will never end us being sisters. Happy Birthday Co-Co, I wish I could be with you to celebrate. Since it's your birthday I wouldn't even make faces at you if you wanted to eat cheese and mayo! (At least I would try not to)

Love ya bunches,
Poke

Nana's Birthday Pics

I know I said I would post these pictures nearly a week ago but my computer was not cooperating with me. It took me several days and even more tries to get the pictures loaded into PictureTrail. Finally it is done! Thanks for being patient with me.

By the way, if you move your mouse over the pictures it will magnify part of the picture for you. Enjoy.

Trip Update

We made it home from Cali on Sunday night, but I've been heading to bed so soon after work I haven't taken the time or energy to blog. Here's a quick rundown of the trip, I'll post pictures as soon as I find the wire used to connect my camera to the computer (It is somewhere in the luggage)

We arrived in So Cal about 3 hours later than we were scheduled to arrive which means we didn't get to my parent's place until 4:30 AM! We were exhausted but since it was so close to morning we just stayed up. Unfortunately our luggage did not arrive with us so we didn't have the option of taking a refreshing shower and changing out of the clothes we had been in for close to 24 hours. That first day was low-key but nice, we hung out at the house and then had some yummy Mexican food.

Tuesday I woke up with a tight chest and cough. I just wasn't feeling right, but tried to fake it. As the day went on however I felt worse and worse. We took my temp in the early after noon, it was at 101.7 and rising. By the time I saw the nurse at the urgent care center it was up to 102.9 and I was miserable. I got a couple of shots in the butt, a couple of prescriptions and headed back home to the couch where I remained for the next 3 dayys! So much for our great California tour. Rob joined me on the couch on Thursday with a 100.7 temp. Basically our entire trip was spent in one room of my parent's home.

I was feeling a little better on Saturday and thankfully was able to go to Nana's party. It was great seeing my cousins and aunt and uncles. 5 out of 6 of the cousins were there and 3 out of Nana's 4 kids was there. We had a great time catching up and looking at old family pictures. (Most of the pics I'll be posting are from this party) Rob was still running a little temp so he skipped the party, he didn't think it would be wise to go to a nursing home with a fever. I agreed. Shortly after we got home from the party Paul and Jenn, our good friends from San Diego came up to see us. Paul is Rob's "brother from another mother". It was such a blessing to spend a few hours with them. We had a great time sharing with eachother and praying together. Rob and I spent most of the time trying to talk them into moving up to Presque Isle. We'll see if it works. They want to come visit this summer.

I'll try to post the pictures tonight after choir. Thanks for all of the prayers while we were gone.

California Dreamin'

Rob and I are heading out to California tomorrow for my Nana's 90th birthday party/family reunion. I'm really excited, I'll be seeing some family members I haven't seen in 8-10 years!

I thought you might enjoy seeing some pictures of where we are heading. All of the pictures were taken(not by me, I just found this video on YouTube) around Redlands, CA the town I lived in from 8th grade through early college. My parents now live about 15 minutes from Redlands but I'll spend a fair amount of time checking out the ol' stomping grounds while we are out there. Watch out In-N-Out (home of the BEST burgers EVER!!), here we come!

I'll post pictures from the trip when we get home. Enjoy.

"Vacation, All I Ever Wanted..."

Rob and I were talking this morning about the fact that we will be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary next year. I can't believe it's been almost 9 years already! Anyway as we were talking I suggested that we go on some kind of trip to celebrate. I figure if we start saving now we could actually afford a decent trip by then. So does anyone have any suggestions? What is the best vacation you've ever been on? Or what should we avoid? We've never really been on a trip that didn't involve visiting family so we are open to any fun idea you might want to share.

By the way, give yourself a pat on the back if you recognize where my post title came from.

I'm looking forward to hearing all of your suggestions!