Monday, July 28, 2008

Thoughts That Wake You Up in The Night

Hello everyone, let me introduce myself. I'm Robert, or Rob. Heather's husband. This is something that I don't do(blog) but I feel like I need to. Let me tell you a little bit about myself.. I'm 38 going on 39. I work for Time Warner (and only just recently got into a position that I really like a lot). My dream growing up was to always marry a beautiful woman who loves God and me, and to have a family. Now part of that dream has come true. The rest Heather and I are still working on as you know. Now just to put this out there, if I knew what I know now before I had asked Heather to marry me I still would have done it. Life with Heather is better than anything. Do I want kids? Yes, but I would not give up Heather for that.

Now the way I tend to deal with a lot of things in my life is to bury them deep, don't think about it and move on with life. Not saying it is the best way or even a good way to deal with things. But it's just how I do it for now.

Those of you who have been following Heather's blog know that about a year ago we found out Heather was pregnant. Now just before we had found this out I was praying to God, asking for some kind of sign that what I felt and believed that God had said (that Heather and I would have kids) was true. Well low and behold he answered with Heather being pregnant. Blew me away. I was on top of the world and so very happy. Then we lost the child a few weeks into the pregnancy. Now this is where things start to get hard for me to write. You see one thing that I can't stand is to see Heather hurt. I am the kind of person that wants to fix it if its broken.. Well to say the least Heather and I were hurting. I felt like God gave me a sign, so I shouldn't be angry, and for the most part I wasn't.. I hurt and wanted to help Heather with the hurt but couldn't to a point. So like I do most of the time, I put it away into the far reaches of my mind, was strong for my wife, was that shoulder to cry on and such. Now its not something I just forget about, because not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I see things in movies, on TV, and such that makes me think about what life would have been like with a child. Just last night Heather and I watched a movie with a father and daughter. I told Heather that the relationship they had as father and daughter in the movie is what I believe my daughter and I would have, if we had one. It didn't help that yesterday in church they had up a father and son camping trip ad for the folks in our church. Even though I don't show it on the outside, that kind of stuff hurts. It hurts a lot. I feel like I have lost my faith in what I thought was God's promise; that He would bless us with a child. All I ever wanted was a child between Heather and I. I want to see what that child would look like whether it was a boy or a girl. With her features and mine. I want to know what it's like to have a part of you that you and your spouse made. To know that feeling of loving your child more then anything and wanting to do everything you can for that child. But as of late I have lost my faith in whether or not I will ever know that. I'm sure God has some plan or at least I keep trying tell myself that.. I do know that if He does, that His plan is the best way and no other way would work. But that doesn't always make me feel better. I know I'm not old, but I feel myself starting to get old. I look at the fact that if we have a child now, I'll be pushing 60 before that child gets out of High School. If we have more than one I'm sure I will be over 60 by the time the last one is out. I cold be well into my 70s and 80s before I would see grandchildren. (see these are things I think about)

Now I know there are those out there that say, just give it time, it will happen or just stop trying and when you do it will happen. Man how I hate hearing that. If people knew what it was like wanting kids of your own and not being able too, they would never say things like that. There is always adoption and I'm for that, I think that is a great thing (my father was adopted), but for right now I can't do that, I'm still holding to what a child between Heather and I would look like. Earlier I said I wasn't too angry, but I am, I hurt and get angry and wonder if what I thought was God's promise or at least saying we would have kids was real. Which in turn makes things worse because now I doubt my God who knows best, and I know He does. Humanity is such a curse at times.

Our pastor yesterday was preaching from Joshua, about how the people had no faith to cross into the promiseland and take the land that God had for them. We wonder how they could not have that faith when He had the pillar of fire and smoke for them to follow day and night, dropped manna from the sky for them to eat and water from the rocks for them to drink. After seeing all that they had unbelief. I guess its not too hard to understand since I have unbelief now about rather I'll ever be a father. Not really sure why I'm even writing all of this, just felt like I needed to get out of bed and write this.

Please pray for Heather and I. I know a lot of this is also what she is feeling too. I long so much for a child, and I know at times it must not show cause I bury things away so I don't have to deal with the hurt and pain. I know there are those of you out there that are reading this that can also understand, weather it's with not having kids of your own or other things in your life. Pray for us and each other as we will be doing the same for you. I do know God has a plan for Heather and I. I don't know what it is, but I do know that it's Gods plan therefor it's the only way. Does not mean I still don't hurt.