Sunday, April 13, 2008


Last night at church I had to face a truth within myself that I really didn't want to admit to. I'm mad at God. I'm mad that instead of preparing for a birth this month, my womb is still empty. I'm mad that He has saved other pregnancies but did not save mine. I'm mad that I'm surrounded by news of blessings but I have been passed by. But I don't want to be mad. While everything within me yells that God has forgotten me, that He never really cared, the still, small voice of the Lord reminds me that He is "near to the brokenhearted, and saves those crushed in spirit" (Ps 34:18) and that He "causes all things to work together for good.." (Rom 8:28). His Spirit won't let me forget that He is purposeful, that He doesn't do things just for the fun of it, He has a plan behind every move He makes.

As I was working through my homework for the Beth Moore "Stepping Up - A journey through the Psalms of Ascent" bible study I'm doing my anger with the Lord was still brewing quietly in the back of my mind. Near the end of my homework I read the following (I've put my thoughts as I read this in parenthesis so you can see where my mind was at the time);

"Take heart that God sees you and is moved by your plight. (yeah, right) He still performs wonders. (not for me) Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Profess your belief to Him daily that you will see the evidence of His gracious hand (what good will that do? ) and, like the psalmist David, stay confident of this: 'I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord'(Ps 27:13-14)(thank you Lord,forgive my doubting heart)"

This section completely humbled me and helped me readjust my thinking. You see last May, while at our Women's Prayer Retreat, the Lord gave me that very verse to quiet my doubting heart and to remind me of His tender love for me. Only a God that cares deeply for me would put this reminder before me just when I needed it. Whether I have a child or not, I can not deny the goodness of the Lord. He alone is sovereign and I must trust Him as I walk this journey. His ways are far higher than mine. Who am I to question Him, and yet because I am His child He allows me to question Him and then He wraps His arms around me as He heals my hurting heart. Thank you dear Lord. Thank you.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

American Idol Shocker

When I got to work on Friday I was surrounded by people talking about the "American Idol Shocker" from the night before. You see, when the bottom three were announced, 2 of the 3 contestants were known favorites in the competition. And then, when the person leaving the show was announced, everyone - contestants, judges, audience and TV viewers alike, were stunned. One of the top contestants was leaving.

But when I watched the episode on Friday night, all of that drama was not what shocked me. It was the opening ensemble piece the top 8 performed. Watch and see what amazed me so...