Hope Named

Merry Christmas! Since I can't be with most of you today to celebrate Christ's birth I thought I would leave a little Christmas present for you in the form of a long overdue post.

It's hard to believe that 22 weeks have gone by since we first found out that I am pregnant. This whole process is going by so quickly, only three more months and we will get to meet our little boy. A lot has happened since I last posted here. First, and most noticiably - I actually finally look pregnant. My belly has finally popped out! In a related story, Rob got an early christmas present. The night before Christmas Eve Rob and I were watching tv together and I began to feel the baby moving rather strongly so I called Rob over to me to see if he would be able to feel it too. To our amazement he was! It was the first time that anyone other than me had been able to feel him move. I am so excited that Rob was the first. It was a great moment for us and a great ending to a big day for Rob. You see, earlier in the day Rob had gone out to do some Christmas shopping and made his first purchase for our son. You can see one of the tops he bought in the picture below. The other t-shirt is red and says Mom's Lil' Romeo. It is adorable!




Another rather monumental event that has occured is that after a lot of research, prayer and discussion we have named our son! What did we choose? Nathan Glenn. Nathan means "He gave," it comes from Nathaniel which means "Gift from God". Glenn was Rob's Dad's name. We didn't realize until someone pointed it out to us, that the name we have chosen is setting up a new tradition in our family. Rob's middle name was his grandfather's name and now Nathan will follow in Rob's footsteps and be named after his grandfather. I like that our son's name not only has meaning but that it has a connection to family. It's been great being able to talk to our son by name and to use his name in conversation with friends. It's just made everything that much more real.

A couple of weeks ago I went with my neice Candace and my good friend Jennifer to register at Babies-R-Us. That was an incredible experience. It was so much fun to walk around the store choosing items for Nate. At the end of our shopping adventure I handed the scan gun in, turned to Jennifer and said "I guess this means I'm having a baby" we both laughed and then when we hugged Jennifer actually bounced off of my newly protruding belly!

Nate's nursery is beginning to come together. We have a rather large box containing his crib sitting in our sitting room and a dresser sitting in his bedroom. The bedding just arrived yesterday. Soon I will finish emptying all evidence of a guest/craft room so that painting can occur and the nursery transformation can be completed. I can't believe how quickly all of this is occuring. I am beginnning to feel the "we aren't ready/can we really do this" mmoments of panic. It all just seems a little overwhelming.

The next big events are quickly approaching. This Tuesday, Dec 29 marks the end of the second trimester and the beginning of the final portion of my pregnancy. Then on the next day we are going in for a 3D/4D ultrasound! We can't wait to see our little boy. To get a glimpse at whose eyes he will have, which of our noses grace his beautiful face. Then on the next Monday, Jan 4, we begin our childbirth classes!

Hope Defined

Yesterday Rob and I got to see our baby once again in an ultrasound. It is always so amazingly overwhelming to see how much this child within me has grown. The purpose of this ultrasound was to check to see that all of the baby's parts were developing properly (they are right on track) and (most excitedly) to see if we will be having a little boy or a little girl.

You may have noticed a little change to the look of my blog, that change as you may have guessed is a not so subtle hint as to what we are having-----IT'S A BOY!!!!!! For those of you that have walked this journey with us from the beginning I'm sure you can understand what a surprise this was for us. For the last eight years we have always imagined ourselves with a girl. When either of us had a dream, we have dreamed of a little girl in our arms. Those thoughts and dreams kept us traveling down this long road, kept our hopes alive. But the reality of a little boy is overwhelmingly incredible. As the last few months have progressed we have learned that God's timing, His reality is better than anything we could imagine, so we are now anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little boy.

I told Rob last night that as the day progressed yesterday, something began to change within me. At the beginning of the day I felt like a pregnant woman. Now that is, of course, a wonderful term. A term that I often wondered if I would ever be able to apply to myself. But by the end of the day, as shock wore off and reality settled in, I found myself feeling less and less like a pregnant woman and more and more like a mom to be. I am no longer carrying a baby within my belly, I am carrying our son. I like that change. It feels good to be able to say those two words----our son!

So here is a look at our little boy. Yes, he is facing downward in this shot. In fact he spent the entire ultrasound in this position. No matter what we did, he just did not want to turn over. I personally love his little curled up legs. I think they are adorable!



Now I know one of the most popular questions is going to be "Does he have a name yet?" The answer? Nope. We have not be able to find a name that has a meaning reflecting the miracle God has performed in our lives and at the same time is a name that we actually like the sound of. As soon as we get it all figured out I'll let you know.

Hope Made Real

Over the last few weeks I have had MANY people pester me about not posting a new post about the baby, so for those of you that have been on my case---this is for you!

So you are probably wondering why it has taken so long to write this post. There are several answers to that question. For one thing I have had what you might call a text book pregnancy thus far. You see, when you read books or web pages about pregnancy they give you a sort of checklist of what you might expect while you are expecting. Here's a peek at my checklist thus far: Nausea - check, Vomiting - quadruple check, Sore breasts - check, Exhaustion - check, Headaches - check. The Nausea started a few days before we found out we were pregnant, and was quickly followed by vomiting. My vomiting trigger? Brushing my teeth! For the last 7+ weeks I've been having to brush my teeth seated in front of the toilet. Not fun or sanitary. Thankfully I have been nausea and vomit free for the last 4 days! This is the best I've felt since finding out that I've been pregnant.

The other reason I've not posted is that this whole pregnancy thing has seemed rather surreal to me. If I'm totally honest with myself I have to admit that I was just waiting to find out that this whole thing was a dream. There was part of me that didn't want to write about everything for fear of it all going away. After all that God has done for me, how can I still be so selfish? I should be resting in Him, not settling in fear.

Today things just kind of clicked into place for me. I had an ultrasound and instead of seeing an amorphous blob, I saw a miracle. This was actually our 3rd ultrasound. Our first was at week 7 I think. At that time the baby was so tiny it was just a little blip on the screen. Our second ultrasound happened at week 10 when we were unable to hear the heartbeat over my belly. In that ultrasound all I saw was a silhouette of a baby but today (week 13) I got to see God's miracle for me, today I saw my baby. I saw on the screen in the ultrasound room a tiny face, arms and legs moving, a heart beating, a mouth suckling and an adorable body moving to and fro. I was overwhelmed, tears streamed down my face as I realized all that the Lord has done in my life, and all that He is doing in my body. The Lord is so good, so kind, so faithful even in spite of my unbelieving heart. And so in a display of God's goodness I would love to introduce you to "Baby Kavanaugh"




(If you are having trouble seeing the baby in this picture, the baby's head is on the right hand side of the screen. The two bright white parallel lines at the bottom of the head are the upper and lower jaw bones)

Hope In Action

Ever wondered what $2,000 worth of fertility meds looks like? When the relatively large box arrived at work (there was no way I was going to have such precious cargo sit on my front porch until I got home!) I was a little surprised to see how little was actually in the box.



Now in the spirit of full disclosure I should confess that there is one item missing from this picture. In addition to all the meds there was a small bag full of Hershey Kisses...they didn't last very long!

$2,000 really doesn't buy you as much as you might think, but when you look at those small vials it's hard not to imagine what might be. Even after all of these years, I can't help but wonder if this is IT, is this finally what makes our dreams come true? You hate to set yourself up for disappointment but when you see these vials it's hard not to. I mean you hear about so many people that get pregnant after using injectible meds how can your hopes not be raised?

But a little over a week after receiving our box of hope, we found out that we can't use the meds. After waiting to start the meds for several days I began to realize that something just wasn't right.





That's right! Your eyes are NOT playing tricks on you, you are looking at one very positive pregnancy test! We couldn't start the fertility meds because God had already performed His miracle! Since taking that initial test we have now had 2 blood tests and all of my hormone levels look great, nausea has begun and I can no longer brush my teeth without gagging. While I am obviously not enjoying these side affects I am overjoyed that they are happening. I have been taking great comfort in my discomfort, because it is a reminder that my body is being prepared to care for this growing child. God is so good! After all of these years of waiting, and failed medical interventions I don't think either of us ever imagined that we would get pregnant without medical intervention. We are still in shock and still overwhelmed by God's goodness!

In addition to blessing us with this precious gift, He lavished us with His love by timing everything so perfectly that the very day we found out we were pregnant was the very same day that we had, weeks before, planned to go to dinner with the Hunters (our dear friends and my Dr from Maine) We were able to tell them in person, something we never imagined being able to do since we now live so far apart! What a blessing to share that moment with such dear friends! I'll say it once again - God is good!!

Next week we get to go in for our very first ultrasound. I can't believe that in just over a week we should be able to hear our child's heartbeat! That is something we have always dreamed of but, if I am completely honest, doubted we would ever actually experience. Thank you so very much to all of you that held on to hope when we could not. Thank you for praying when we could not. Please continue to pray for us (all three of us) as we continue through this process. I wish we could tell each one of you face to face or on the phone, but since that is not possible I am very thankful for this technology which has allowed me to share my joy with so many of you at one time!

Hope's Pricetag

Before I start this post I want to state that this blog title is for fun, following the title pattern I've established. I completely understand that our Hope is found in Christ and that He alone paid the price that allows us to have any sort of hope, without His death and resurrection we would be completely lost and hopeless. So now that I've established my stance on this theological issue here's the post-----

Friday I got a call from the pharmacy that will be providing the fertility meds. After checking our insusrance we found out that we will only owe $200 each time! Now that is pretty amazing considering that the meds are going to cost about $2,000 per month. Let's here it for good insurance!!! So in just a few weeks I will be receiving a rather expensive little package containing a lot of hope.

Now that we are so close to the move and starting back up with fertility treatments I can't help but get excited about all of the possibilities that lay before me. From my perspective all of the pieces seem to have fallen into place, but I have learned time and time again that life doesn't function according to how I think it should. It's hard to find the balance between keeping an excited hopefullness that keeps me moving forward through all of the shots, ultrasounds, blood tests, and doctor visits, and guarging my heart from heartbreak.

Today is Father's day. A day that makes me so thankful for my dad. A man that came into my life when I was 8 years old and has loved me like his own from day one. He is a kind and loving man that means the world to me. The hard part of this day is that I long so much for Rob to experience a Father's day. This day, like Mother's day for me, is a painful reminder that we may never be parents. So today we will head off to church and celebrate the day with our friends and family, but deep inside we will be hurting. So please pray for us today, pray especially for Rob's heart.