Hope In Action

Ever wondered what $2,000 worth of fertility meds looks like? When the relatively large box arrived at work (there was no way I was going to have such precious cargo sit on my front porch until I got home!) I was a little surprised to see how little was actually in the box.



Now in the spirit of full disclosure I should confess that there is one item missing from this picture. In addition to all the meds there was a small bag full of Hershey Kisses...they didn't last very long!

$2,000 really doesn't buy you as much as you might think, but when you look at those small vials it's hard not to imagine what might be. Even after all of these years, I can't help but wonder if this is IT, is this finally what makes our dreams come true? You hate to set yourself up for disappointment but when you see these vials it's hard not to. I mean you hear about so many people that get pregnant after using injectible meds how can your hopes not be raised?

But a little over a week after receiving our box of hope, we found out that we can't use the meds. After waiting to start the meds for several days I began to realize that something just wasn't right.





That's right! Your eyes are NOT playing tricks on you, you are looking at one very positive pregnancy test! We couldn't start the fertility meds because God had already performed His miracle! Since taking that initial test we have now had 2 blood tests and all of my hormone levels look great, nausea has begun and I can no longer brush my teeth without gagging. While I am obviously not enjoying these side affects I am overjoyed that they are happening. I have been taking great comfort in my discomfort, because it is a reminder that my body is being prepared to care for this growing child. God is so good! After all of these years of waiting, and failed medical interventions I don't think either of us ever imagined that we would get pregnant without medical intervention. We are still in shock and still overwhelmed by God's goodness!

In addition to blessing us with this precious gift, He lavished us with His love by timing everything so perfectly that the very day we found out we were pregnant was the very same day that we had, weeks before, planned to go to dinner with the Hunters (our dear friends and my Dr from Maine) We were able to tell them in person, something we never imagined being able to do since we now live so far apart! What a blessing to share that moment with such dear friends! I'll say it once again - God is good!!

Next week we get to go in for our very first ultrasound. I can't believe that in just over a week we should be able to hear our child's heartbeat! That is something we have always dreamed of but, if I am completely honest, doubted we would ever actually experience. Thank you so very much to all of you that held on to hope when we could not. Thank you for praying when we could not. Please continue to pray for us (all three of us) as we continue through this process. I wish we could tell each one of you face to face or on the phone, but since that is not possible I am very thankful for this technology which has allowed me to share my joy with so many of you at one time!

Hope's Pricetag

Before I start this post I want to state that this blog title is for fun, following the title pattern I've established. I completely understand that our Hope is found in Christ and that He alone paid the price that allows us to have any sort of hope, without His death and resurrection we would be completely lost and hopeless. So now that I've established my stance on this theological issue here's the post-----

Friday I got a call from the pharmacy that will be providing the fertility meds. After checking our insusrance we found out that we will only owe $200 each time! Now that is pretty amazing considering that the meds are going to cost about $2,000 per month. Let's here it for good insurance!!! So in just a few weeks I will be receiving a rather expensive little package containing a lot of hope.

Now that we are so close to the move and starting back up with fertility treatments I can't help but get excited about all of the possibilities that lay before me. From my perspective all of the pieces seem to have fallen into place, but I have learned time and time again that life doesn't function according to how I think it should. It's hard to find the balance between keeping an excited hopefullness that keeps me moving forward through all of the shots, ultrasounds, blood tests, and doctor visits, and guarging my heart from heartbreak.

Today is Father's day. A day that makes me so thankful for my dad. A man that came into my life when I was 8 years old and has loved me like his own from day one. He is a kind and loving man that means the world to me. The hard part of this day is that I long so much for Rob to experience a Father's day. This day, like Mother's day for me, is a painful reminder that we may never be parents. So today we will head off to church and celebrate the day with our friends and family, but deep inside we will be hurting. So please pray for us today, pray especially for Rob's heart.

Hope Relocated

Today, after many hours of trying not to think about the thing that I couldn't stop thinking about, I got the phone call we had been anticipating for the last two days. You see, this past Saturday we applied for a rental home closer to our church, and the call telling us that we were accepted came tonight. We are very excited about this move and can't wait to be out of this condo and into a neighbor free home (the house sits on one acre).

The thing I've struggled with through this home search/application process is the same thing I always struggle with...hope. This process took longer than I thought it should and was rather frustrating. Once I found a place I liked I was just waiting for the disappointment - the landlord didn't want us to live there, or someone else got the place instead of us, or some other pity party excuse to keep me from hoping. I hate that about myself. I hate that I always assume things are not going to work for me. I mean seriously, what harm does disappoint do in the big scheme of things? So what if things don't go the way you think they should. Yet I do all I can to avoid disappoint as if my life will end if I allow myself to hope.

I have no idea how to fix this issue in my life, but I'm not giving up. I'm going to continue trying to learn how to hope without fear. I want to learn that no matter what disappointment I experience I am secure in Christ - my life unchanged because of the security I have in Him and in Him alone.

Hope Injected

Today I learned how to give myself shots. It was a rather strange experience. I guess I just never thought that I would be sitting in a room learning how to give myself shots, let alone that I would be learning this skill in an attempt to get pregnant.

While I was waiting for my appointment I overheard a conversation between my doctor and one of his former patients. She gave birth, I learned, in January and was visiting the staff so they could see the baby they had helped her conceive. From what I could gather from the conversation, this woman had been a patient at the clinic for a couple of years (longer than most people work with this type of dr) and had been trying to have a baby for about 7 years. After struggling so much this weekend with faith and hope I found this woman's story encouraging. I guess I needed an injection of encouragement, and thankfully the Lord met my need once again.

Hope Updated

So last week I had about a gallon of blood drawn for a multitude of blood tests and thus far everything looks ok. Rob goes in for his test on Monday, and then I head in on Tuesday to be trained to give myself shots. Rob and I talked about it and we are going to put off starting the meds and treatments for a month or two because we are in the midst of looking for a new place to live since our lease ends in May. We thought trying to find a new home, move, and putting chemicals in my body so that we could resume rather stressful fertility treatments all at the same time would be a little unwise.

I know some of you are wondering how I am doing with all of this. The answer? Good. The honest answer? Not so great. My brain is in a constant battle to hold on to hope, and let go of self pity, fear and jealousy. It is an exhausting process. I guess the purpose in my sharing this is to give you more specific ways to pray for me. For us.