"REVERSAL!!!!"

Have you ever been in dead stopped, haven't moved an inch for who knows how long traffic? You know, the kind of traffic that forces you to settle into your seat and try to find a comfy resting position because you know you won't be driving for a long, long, long time?

The funny thing about this kind of traffic is that quite often, usually at the same moment you find that perfectly comfortable "I'm going be at this corner for the rest of my life" position, traffic suddenly moves - it doesn't ease back into forward motion, it gets going at a breakneck speed and you find yourself scrambling to find the gas pedal and to take the car out of park.

That's kind of how life feels right about now, like I'm scrambling to find the gas pedal and gear shift because life just jumped into hyper speed. A couple of months ago Rob and I decided to try to move to North Carolina so we could be near family and a bunch of other reasons that would bore you. When we made the decision the reality of actually making the move seemed a lifetime away, and for those few months things seemed at move at an almost impercievable pace. That all changed on Tuesday. Someone yelled out "REVERSAL" (if this word doesn't mean anything to you check out this post) and all of a sudden we are having to pack up everything we own, find a place to live and say goodbye to some of the best friends we have ever had in a mere 21 days. That's right, you read correctly. Rob and I will be leaving for North Carolina in what is now less than 3 weeks! Breathe - breathe - breathe! (those are reminders for me by the way, I sometimes forget to breathe when I get stressed)

While I am definitely feeling some major stress (which has led to difficulty sleeping and....let's just say intestinal "issues"), I have to say that God has been so faithful through all of this. He has displayed His kindness and provision over and over again. I can't pull all of this together in such a short amount of time, but He can! So when you see me stressing out, remind me of two very important things:
1)To breathe

2)God is good and more than able to take care of all of my concerns.

Truth

Last night at church I had to face a truth within myself that I really didn't want to admit to. I'm mad at God. I'm mad that instead of preparing for a birth this month, my womb is still empty. I'm mad that He has saved other pregnancies but did not save mine. I'm mad that I'm surrounded by news of blessings but I have been passed by. But I don't want to be mad. While everything within me yells that God has forgotten me, that He never really cared, the still, small voice of the Lord reminds me that He is "near to the brokenhearted, and saves those crushed in spirit" (Ps 34:18) and that He "causes all things to work together for good.." (Rom 8:28). His Spirit won't let me forget that He is purposeful, that He doesn't do things just for the fun of it, He has a plan behind every move He makes.

As I was working through my homework for the Beth Moore "Stepping Up - A journey through the Psalms of Ascent" bible study I'm doing my anger with the Lord was still brewing quietly in the back of my mind. Near the end of my homework I read the following (I've put my thoughts as I read this in parenthesis so you can see where my mind was at the time);

"Take heart that God sees you and is moved by your plight. (yeah, right) He still performs wonders. (not for me) Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Profess your belief to Him daily that you will see the evidence of His gracious hand (what good will that do? ) and, like the psalmist David, stay confident of this: 'I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord'(Ps 27:13-14)(thank you Lord,forgive my doubting heart)"

This section completely humbled me and helped me readjust my thinking. You see last May, while at our Women's Prayer Retreat, the Lord gave me that very verse to quiet my doubting heart and to remind me of His tender love for me. Only a God that cares deeply for me would put this reminder before me just when I needed it. Whether I have a child or not, I can not deny the goodness of the Lord. He alone is sovereign and I must trust Him as I walk this journey. His ways are far higher than mine. Who am I to question Him, and yet because I am His child He allows me to question Him and then He wraps His arms around me as He heals my hurting heart. Thank you dear Lord. Thank you.

American Idol Shocker

When I got to work on Friday I was surrounded by people talking about the "American Idol Shocker" from the night before. You see, when the bottom three were announced, 2 of the 3 contestants were known favorites in the competition. And then, when the person leaving the show was announced, everyone - contestants, judges, audience and TV viewers alike, were stunned. One of the top contestants was leaving.

But when I watched the episode on Friday night, all of that drama was not what shocked me. It was the opening ensemble piece the top 8 performed. Watch and see what amazed me so...

The End of An Era

As you can tell I have been in need of a new bible for awhile now. This sounds like an easy task, go online (or if you live anywhere but here you could actually go to a store, WalMart doesn't have much of a selection) put a new bible in your shopping cart, hit a couple of keys and next thing you know a new shiny bible sits at your door. But this wasn't an easy process for me. In fact it took me about 3 months to get a new bible. There was no problem with shipping, or items being out of stock. It was all me. I was having a hard time giving up my old friend.

You see, I've had this same bible nearly all of my christian life. My grandparents gave it to me for Christmas back in 1986. As I flip through the pages of this bible I can see myself growing up. There are passages underlined with red marker because back in jr. high I didn't know that marker would bleed through the pages of a bible. I found notes written in the margin that can only be described as jr. high girl fluffy writing - you know all the the 'i' have circles or hearts above them instead of a little dot.

Even if it's not clearly marked with a specific clue there are passages underlined that take me right back to a certain place or time. In ninth grade we had one class period that was a school wide "Drop-Everything-And-Read" time. I was a fairly new believer and liked to read my bible during this time. I don't remember why, but I had for some reason decided to read Revelations during DEAR time. I remember as if it were yesterday, reading and underlining this passage in Rev. 21. I was so excited by what I read I literally ran all the way to my next class, choir, threw open the door and called out to my Christian friends "Did you know that the there would be no sun or moon in heaven because the Glory of God illuminates it! Isn't that rad!!" So now when I see this passage underlined I am reminded of my new christian enthusiasm and am convicted when I don't get just as excited by God's word.

There are other sections that have dates or names written beside them. These help me remember all that the Lord has brought me through over the years. Loss of friendships that left me eating alone in my car every lunch period my senior year of high school, all I had to depend on was my bible and time with the Lord. It was during this time that the Lord taught me that He alone is sufficient. Or facing the truth about my past. The Lord used His word to heal a broken heart and to wash away years of shame. And most recently, the Lord has used His word to teach me that despite month after month, and year after year of disappointment He IS trustworthy, and loving. I've learned that trust really isn't trust when you get what you want when you want it, true trust happens when it appears that there is no way you will get what you want and you instead trust that He will provide what you need, when you trust His heart more than you trust your own.

So here I am with a brand new bible filled with crisp, clean pages waiting to see what new lessons lie before me, what new memories will lie within these pages.

Spring Starts When??

This is the view from my guest bedroom window, the view from the master bedroom is just about the same. What are you looking at, you ask? Snow. Lots and lots of snow. Last weekend our roof was shoveled and the result is that we can no longer see out of our windows. Here we are a couple of days before the official start to spring and all I can see is snow! I'm tired of snow. I want green grass, and flowers blooming (deep sigh) but all I have is snow.