A JOURNEY TOWARD HOPE

No Cry Baby here

2011-09-09T19:51:00.000-05:00

We survived Nate's first haircut and I didn't even cry. Ok, the truth is I would have cried except that I was so busy just trying to keep him from getting down from my lap or getting his ears cut off because he moved at the wrong time, I just didn't have time to think about crying. So the event was tear free and mostly blood free. Poor Tina nicked herself while cutting Nate's hair. I felt so bad. She is a true professional, and a true friend.

We really didn't cut that much off of him. But his bangs are out of his eyes and the "wings" over his ears are much smaller.

Here are a couple of pictures of the little man and his new do.

This is after his bath and before going for his haircut. I think he was a little nervous - one drink just wasn't enough.

The last picture before his haircut

The first cut.

"You sure we want to do this Mom?"

Thanks Tina!

Playing is much easier when you're hair isn't tickling your eyes

My Big Boy

Don't Cry You Big Baby!

2011-09-07T19:26:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow morning Nathan will be getting his hair cut for the first time. While I am very excited to have the "wings" gone from above his ears and the hair out of his eyes, the very thought of cutting his hair brings tears to my eyes. Well if I'm totally honest I have to admit that most of the time the tears actually fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Pathetic, right? It's just hair after all, and hair grows. But no matter how rational I try to be, it still makes me sad to admit that my little boy is growing up.

So tomorrow I will try to contain my tears. I will try to be less of a baby than my baby. I wouldn't hold my breath if were you, however. The fact is, I'm pretty much a great big cry baby now a days. I would never have described myself as an emotional person back in the day, but that is now no longer true. I cry at commercials, tv shows, music on the radio, looking at Nathan and Rob playing, you name it and I cry. Oh well, I guess emotions aren't that bad after all.

New Toy

2011-08-28T12:20:00.000-05:00

This is a video of Nathan seeing his newest (and now favorite) toy for the first time. It's so amazing to watch him climb up and down, dance on the platform, shoot baskets at the basketball hoop, or throw the football through the holes on the side. It seems like moments ago that we were waiting for him to take his first steps and now it's hard to get him to stop. What a joy to watch the pride grow on his face as he realizes he can do something new. I love listening to him squeal and giggle as he plays. He loves to explore and climb. He is ALL boy!

Bedtime Hijinks

2011-07-19T10:16:00.002-05:00

Wave a white flag to surrender. Fly your flag at half mast to mourn. Hang your flag upside down when you are in distress. But what does it mean when your 16 month old waves his green striped froggy pajama bottoms over the edge of his crib? Is he declaring war on sleep? Calling a truce? Surrendering?

It's definitely not a sign of surrender. That I know for sure. Last night Nathan was in one of his "I'm completely exhausted but not in the mood to sleep" moods. He was nearly asleep in my arms so I laid him down. This is our normal routine, usually resulting in a tear or two but then sleep generally comes in a couple of minutes or so. Sometimes he cries for a while and I go back in to his room to help him calm down again so sleep can take over. When I went back in to his room last night, he was standing quietly at the edge of his crib (not too strange of sight) but then as I looked more closely I realized that he had taken his pants off and was waving them back in forth in front of the bars on his crib. I've not figured out if this was some form of protest? An act of rebellion? Exploration of his interest in becoming an exhibitionist or nudist??? I guess only time will tell.

The good news is that Nathan fell asleep shortly after I got him back into his pants and slept throughout the night. The bad news, he woke up with a nasty cold and has had a runny nose and eyes and has been sneezing all morning long. Poor little guy.

A Special Day

2011-07-11T20:59:00.005-05:00

Today Nathan and I went on an extra special adventure. We drove to Virginia (Nathan's first trip out of North Carolina) to meet some extra special friends for lunch. Nathan fell in love with them right away. He is a pretty easy going kid and warms up to people pretty easy but I've not seen him connect quite this fast. Within just a couple of minutes of meeting, Nathan reached out for Elizabeth as if he had known her his entire life. I guess in a way he has known her all of his life. You see, I began playing her "Be Still" CD to help put Nathan to sleep when he was very young so in a way he's been getting to know her through her music nearly all of his life.

Scott and Elizabeth were a great source of encouragement and support over the years as we were waiting on the Lord for Nathan. It was such a blessing to have them meet the fruit of their prayers, especially since Elizabeth was with me when I found out I was pregnant the first time and she was one of my greatest confidants as I was grieving the loss of that baby(See my posts from July of 2007). What a blessing to watch them enjoy getting to know Nathan today.

Waiting for Scott and Elizabeth to arrive.

New Buddies.

I am so thankful for this opportunity to spend time catching up Scott and Elizabeth and pray we don't have to wait as long to spend time together again next time.

Sharing Some Doggone Fun

2011-07-10T19:37:00.002-05:00

On the Fourth of July Nathan got to spend some time with Wally, Uncle Rick and Aunt Marcia's dog. As you can tell he LOVED playing with Wally. I have a feeling as soon as he starts talking Nathan will be asking for a dog of his own.

Over the last couple of months Nathan and his cousin Ivy have been becoming good friends. After dinner on the 4th Nathan and Ivy were sharing some puffs when Nathan decided to feed Ivy some of their snack.

That's How He Rolls!

2011-07-10T19:27:00.002-05:00

A couple of days ago we took Nathan to the zoo for the first time. He had a great time. Here's a little video of one of his favorite adventures while we were there.

N8 Playing

2011-05-04T18:50:00.001-05:00

Our little Nate Nate has had a very busy few weeks. He has grown 5 almost 6 teeth, which means there have been many sleepless night around our house. Learned how to crawl (on his hands and knees, not just the army crawl). Learned to drink out of a water bottle and regular cup, although he hasn't quite mastered holding the water bottle or cup while drinking from it without giving himself a bath. Learned to drink out of a straw. Learned to walk on his knees. AND...learned to walk! He's been a busy, busy boy. As soon as I get the video of him walking I'll post it here but until then enjoy a little video of him having a blast playing with some blocks and a basket.

Nathan's first birthday and cake

2011-03-13T17:29:00.000-05:00

Here is a video Rob took while Nathan was trying to figure out what he was supposed to do with the cake we placed in front of him. He really seemed to enjoy having all eyes on him and clapped often. Enjoy!

Birthday Update

2011-03-12T20:47:00.007-05:00

We had a great time celebrating Nathan's first birthday. "Auntie" Nicole flew in from Arizona to help us celebrate. Nate loved having her here. She has posted some photo's and videos from her trip, click here to see them. I was rather domestic and made a celebration plate AND Nate's smash cake. They turned out rather well if I say so myself.

We started the day with a bath and then breakfast. I stole the Rhyno's family tradition and made a pancake in the shape of a one for our little man. Then on Saturday we had the official party. Nathan did not take a nap before the party so I was anticipating a major meltdown, but Nathan did fabulous. He laughed and clapped throughout the entire party. When we gave him his smash cake he didn't know what to do. He had never had sugar and wasn't really sure about it. He didn't smash it but he seemed to enjoy all of the attention! The party was a huge sucess, what a blessing to be surrounded by friends and family as we celebrated our miracle boy.

Happy Birthday!!!!!

2011-03-02T07:23:00.004-05:00

It's official, baby Nate is no longer a baby. At 4:24 this afternoon our little man becomes a one year old! Everyone tells you how fast time flies when you have kids and now I know what they mean! I can't believe that one year ago today we met Nathan for the first time. This has been an incredible year. I can't believe how much I love that kid. He makes my heart smile each and every day.

I'll post some birthday pictures later today so you can see our big boy enjoying his special day (like he's really going to know what's going on, haha). We are starting some birthday traditions today that I'll post for you. Thanks for all of the prayers for the years before Nathan came to us and for this year too.

Changes

2010-12-31T22:22:00.004-05:00

The New Year is a time when people reflect upon the year behind and make resolutions for the year that lay before them. I'm not much for making resolutions so I'll spend some time reflecting upon this past year.

This has been a year of changes. Three major changes to be specific. I'll start with the first and most amazing change. As you know that change happened in March with the birth of my son Nathan. I am still amazed at the very thought of him. He makes my heart smile, he brings joy to my day and he brings a purpose to my life. He is growing everyday and constantly learning new tricks. Most recently he has learned to sit up, and his new favorite activity is to be chased. He crawls away from you and squeals and laughs until you come toward him. I just love hearing him laugh!

Before giving birth I had always heard women say that labor and delivery is some of the greatest pain you may ever experience, but once you hold your baby in your arms all of that pain just fades away. Like the pain of the birthing process has faded our eight years of infertility are now just a dim memory. That's not completely accurate but I'm not sure how else to put it. You see, I still remember the heartache, the disappointment and the daily battle against despair, but I don't feel those things anymore. At least not for myself. My heart still breaks when I hear about friends that are having to walk that painful journey and I pray that I always will remember the details of that journey so that I can pray for and be an encouragement to women on that road. Throughout our long journey toward parenthood the Lord placed women that had once walked in my shoes into my life. I can't explain how they ministered to me just by recognizing the hurt in my eyes before even having to say a word. I want to minister to women in that same way.

The second major change occurred in May when my parents moved to North Carolina from California to be near us. Let's be honest, it was to be near Nathan. I think we were all a little nervous about living in the same town because the last time we had lived closer than a 7 hour drive was way back in 1994. But having them here has been an incredible blessing. I don't know how we would be making it through change number three without their support and encouragement. I have loved spending time with them and Nathan absolutely loves having them here.

The third and final change started in July. I woke up July 5Th with a very swollen and excruciatingly painful knee. I figured I had moved wrong in the night and with a little rest I would be back to normal. I was wrong. Long story made short I was diagnosed with CPPD (Calcium Pyrophosphade Dehydrate) and Rheumatoid Arthritis in my left knee. I've not been able to return to work since the initial onset of symptoms and now walk with a cane when walking more than a few feet. Nathan and I have spent many nights at my parents house so that they can help me take care of him in the mornings and most of our days are spent there too. My doctor has used medications to stabilize me so that I don't flair-ups like I was having at the beginning, but I still swell if on my feet for more than an hour or so and find carrying Nathan rather difficult when everything is swollen. Rob has been a great help too. He has really stepped up to the plate to help me out at home with cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. Financially life has been very stressful because our income was cut in half when I had to stop working and up to this point I have been unable to qualify for any form of assistance. I'm too sick to be able to work, but not sick enough to get disability and since I'm technically out on a medical excuse I don't seem to qualify for unemployment.

I don't know how all of this will work out but I know that God will continue to provide for us. I know that I have incredible parents that have helped in more ways than I can describe. I know that I have a fabulous husband that has been working hard to provide for his family and who has put my health needs above the stresses of our situation. I know that I have a beautiful son that I love watching grow each and every day. I know that despite the outward appearance of our situation I am a blessed woman.

They're coming! They're coming!

2010-05-22T16:38:00.003-05:00

While cooking dinner tonight Nathan and I were talkng about my parent's journey to move to North Carolina. They are currently in Houston visiting my Aunt and Uncle and will be here in just a couple of days. Nathan began smiling and jabbering as I talked so I grabbed my camera and made this little movie. Unfortunately the orientation of the camera made the video sideways when I downloaded it and I couldn't figure out how to switch it. If any of you know of a way to switch it please let me know.

A Smile A Day

2010-05-15T19:29:00.004-05:00

Nathan has begun smiling! Not a "I have a gas bubble" smile or a "Let me exercise my muscles" smile but a "You are pretty funny and I think I like you" smile. You know that smile, it's the one that makes your heart smile and brings a tear of joy to your eye each and every time you see it. He is also beginning to find his voice and will be cooing very soon. It seems like he is making a new sound each and every day. I just can't wait to hear his very first laugh!

Before we had chosen a name for Nate my best friend Nicole asked her little girls what I should name the baby. They came up with a rather interesting list.

One of the names from the "girl" side of the list was Cupcake and for some reason Natalie, Nicole's oldest little girl began calling Nate "Cupcake" even before he was born. We thought it was cute and for some reason I started singing "Nate Nate, my little cupcake" over and over in my head. Once he was born it turned into a little song that I would sing to him regularly. You see, I make up silly songs and sing to Nathan all the time. I often use the same tune over and over and just change some of the words to fit what he is doing or to fit his mood.

Tonight I was singing one of those songs to him as he watched me wash bottles from his bouncy chair on the counter and noticed that he kept smiling as I sang so I grabbed my camera and caught this moment. This is a variation of the "Nate Nate My Little Cupcake" song I've been singing to him since he was born. Enjoy!

Happy Mothers Day....TO ME!!!!

2010-05-08T21:25:00.002-05:00

In just a couple of hours I will be celebrating my very first Mothers Day. I am still in amazement. I look at him, touch him, kiss him, and hold him and yet in many ways it still feels as if this is all a dream - the most beautifully amazing dream I have ever had, but a dream none the less. Tonight while feeding Nathan and getting him ready for bed I looked down at him at the same moment he looked at me and smiled...my heart melted and the tears fell from my eyes! He is a daily reminder of God's faithfulness and loving kindness.

Nathan had his 2 month checkup this past Wednesday. The doctor is pleased with his development and he seems to be meeting the milestones as expected. He is now 11lbs 11oz and is 22in long. Here is a short video of Nathan "talking" while sitting in his Boppy and playing with a teddy bear. He is beginning to smile and interact with us which is beyond fun! I had always heard people talk about how you don't know how much you can love until you have a child, and now I understand what they mean. At times it feels as if my heart beats with each breath he takes. Loving him gives me a deeper understanding of our Heavenly Father's love for us, His love is deeper and more intense than I ever understood.

My Heart's Joy

2010-04-11T20:41:00.005-05:00

A couple of weeks ago my nephew David came over and took some fabulous photos of our new family. I absolutely LOVE the pictures and wanted to share them with you. Our little man is growing so fast. He now weighs 9lbs 9 oz and is beginning to interact with us and the things around him. My heart just melts each time he reaches out to hold my finger while I am feeding him - and then when his beautiful blue eyes lock with mine at the same time....life just doesn't get much better!

Here is a video of some of the pictures David took. I put them to Elizabeth Rhyno's song "Hand of God", this is the same song I used for the 3D ultrasound video. This song just so perfectly speaks what my heart feels when I look at Nathan that I wanted to use it once again. I hope you enjoy the video and the music, click on the arrow in the bottom left corner of the video to start it.

Hope Growing

2010-04-03T05:07:00.005-05:00

I can't believe that Nathan is a month old already! Everyone tells you that time flies when you have a baby and now I see just how true that statement is! This has been quite a month. I'm not sure that I completely believe that this incredible little boy is ours to love and care for. There is part of me that is waiting for Nathan's parents to come pick him up and then I remember that we are his parents. So here are some updates on Nate's progress this month. Nate is now 9.2 lbs and is transitioning out of his newborn clothes and into 0-3 month sized clothes. He is also transitioning into the next size of diapers. While these are exciting changes it hit me a little hard. I found myself crying in the kitchen when I finally admitted to myself that his newborn diapers and clothes were too small. He's growing up so fast!

Nathan now smiles - it is up for debate as to whether or not these smiles are true smiles or if they are just gas bubbles but I believe they are mainly real smiles. I'm including a couple of pictures Look carefully at the picture with the bottle, he's showing you the "I love you" sign. As far as rolling over goes, Nathan does this more accidently rather than intentionally at this point but that will come soon enough. We are still working on the whole nighttime sleep thing. We have not perfected that yet. My folks are heading back to California tomorrow so it will be just Rob, Nate and I here at the house so we will be starting to work on getting Nathan to sleep in his bed so that Rob and I can sleep at night. We'll see how that goes.

Hope Updated

2010-03-12T15:34:00.003-05:00

I can't believe that Nathan is 10 days old already. People tell you that time flies by quickly once a baby arrives but you really don't understand just how true that statement is until you actually have a child of your own.

I've been asked by several people to share the story of Nathan's arrival so here we go. On Monday, March 1 I came home from work, prepared dinner and settled in on the couch for a little rest. All was going to plan until I had my first contraction at 9:30 PM. That one contraction broke my water and we were off to the hospital. As we drove to the hospital my contractions grew stronger and began coming every 3-4 minutes. My labor progressed well until the morning of Tuesday, March 2. At that point Nathan decided to do some gymnastics in my belly and somehow turned himself face up in my belly effectively stalling my progression. I was finally allowed to start pushing late on Tuesday morning. Unfortunately this process took a lot longer than I would have liked. After nearly 5 exhausting hours Nate made his grand entrance. I've put together another slideshow with a bunch of pictures from Nathan's first first few day's with us.

Here is a quick testimony of God's grace. After his birth the doctor discovered that Nathan had, at some point, tied a perfect knot into his umbilical cord. Now the amazing thing is that despite this knot, and 19 hour labor with nearly 5 hours of pushing, Nathan's heartbeat never faltered. His heart beat strong throughout the entire process! He never showed any signs of distress. God's hand was on this child protecting him throughout the long process. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Enjoy the slideshow!

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Hope Has Arrived!

2010-03-04T00:58:00.004-05:00

Our little boy Nathan Glenn Kavanaugh decided to make his grand entrance into the world three weeks early! Catching his parents completely off guard I must add. I will add a much more detailed post soon, but here are the stats: born March 2, 2010 at 4:24 Pm, he weighed 6lbs 11oz and was 19.5 inches long. Here is picture of him right after he was born to hold you until I can do a more detailed post.

Hope Celebrated

2010-02-27T16:31:00.002-05:00

This morning was my first baby shower. What a blessing! A couple of days before the shower I had a bad dream that only 2 people showed up to the shower, I was very wrong! I was blessed by all of the friends that came. I have to admit it was a little overwhelming to have so many wonderful women showering me and Nate with all of their love and support. God has been so good to me by putting so many wonderful new friends into my life to share in this blessing. While it was hard not having all of my Maine friends and my family at the shower I knew that they were celebrating along side of me.

Here are some pictures of this special day.

A free digital slideshow by Smilebox

Hope in Place

2010-02-22T19:30:00.003-05:00

Here's the nursery update I promised. As you can tell the room is not completed but it finally beginning to look like a baby's room. I must admit it is amazing to see what was once a guest room be transformed into our son's room. I can't believe that in approximately 4 weeks our little Nate will be here. As the room continues to be transformed I will update this blog with more pictures.

Hope Painted

2010-02-13T16:12:00.006-05:00

Today some dear friends and family came over to paint Nate's Nursery. Here are a few pictures of the process. Once we get the furniture in place and curtains hung I will post more pictures. Thanks once again to Marcia, Tina, Candace, Ivy and Jennifer for all of the help. You guys did a great job painting and keeping me entertained.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T10:29:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that 2010 is here already! In just a couple of months I will get to meet my son. Wow, it's weird to say that! On Wednesday, Dec 30, Rob and I went in for a 3D/4D ultrasound and had the privilege of seeing the life that God has placed within me in a whole new way. Below is a video from that ultrasound. Make sure that you have your speakers turned up because I have included my incredibly talented friend Elizabeth's song "Hand of God" with the video. This song was originally written as a fundraiser for the Presque Isle, ME Pregnancy Care Center, but it says so perfectly what I feel about this beautiful little boy growing within me I could think of no other soundtrack to use. If you would like a copy of the song or a copy of the video Elizabeth put together for the song you can purchase them from Elizabeth's blog. Check it out and support the PCC (all proceeds will benefit this great organization)!

Just so you don't get concerned as you watch the video, the line that you will see across Nathan's face is not a defect, it is the umbilical cord. We tried to get Nate to move it out of the way for us but he was too comfortable hanging out and didn't want to be bothered with moving it for us. Enjoy watching our little man! My prayer is that your faith in God is strengthened as you watch this miracle move within me.

Hope Named

2009-12-25T11:55:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas! Since I can't be with most of you today to celebrate Christ's birth I thought I would leave a little Christmas present for you in the form of a long overdue post.

It's hard to believe that 22 weeks have gone by since we first found out that I am pregnant. This whole process is going by so quickly, only three more months and we will get to meet our little boy. A lot has happened since I last posted here. First, and most noticiably - I actually finally look pregnant. My belly has finally popped out! In a related story, Rob got an early christmas present. The night before Christmas Eve Rob and I were watching tv together and I began to feel the baby moving rather strongly so I called Rob over to me to see if he would be able to feel it too. To our amazement he was! It was the first time that anyone other than me had been able to feel him move. I am so excited that Rob was the first. It was a great moment for us and a great ending to a big day for Rob. You see, earlier in the day Rob had gone out to do some Christmas shopping and made his first purchase for our son. You can see one of the tops he bought in the picture below. The other t-shirt is red and says Mom's Lil' Romeo. It is adorable!

Another rather monumental event that has occured is that after a lot of research, prayer and discussion we have named our son! What did we choose? Nathan Glenn. Nathan means "He gave," it comes from Nathaniel which means "Gift from God". Glenn was Rob's Dad's name. We didn't realize until someone pointed it out to us, that the name we have chosen is setting up a new tradition in our family. Rob's middle name was his grandfather's name and now Nathan will follow in Rob's footsteps and be named after his grandfather. I like that our son's name not only has meaning but that it has a connection to family. It's been great being able to talk to our son by name and to use his name in conversation with friends. It's just made everything that much more real.

A couple of weeks ago I went with my neice Candace and my good friend Jennifer to register at Babies-R-Us. That was an incredible experience. It was so much fun to walk around the store choosing items for Nate. At the end of our shopping adventure I handed the scan gun in, turned to Jennifer and said "I guess this means I'm having a baby" we both laughed and then when we hugged Jennifer actually bounced off of my newly protruding belly!

Nate's nursery is beginning to come together. We have a rather large box containing his crib sitting in our sitting room and a dresser sitting in his bedroom. The bedding just arrived yesterday. Soon I will finish emptying all evidence of a guest/craft room so that painting can occur and the nursery transformation can be completed. I can't believe how quickly all of this is occuring. I am beginnning to feel the "we aren't ready/can we really do this" mmoments of panic. It all just seems a little overwhelming.

The next big events are quickly approaching. This Tuesday, Dec 29 marks the end of the second trimester and the beginning of the final portion of my pregnancy. Then on the next day we are going in for a 3D/4D ultrasound! We can't wait to see our little boy. To get a glimpse at whose eyes he will have, which of our noses grace his beautiful face. Then on the next Monday, Jan 4, we begin our childbirth classes!

Hope Defined

2009-10-23T19:38:00.006-05:00

Yesterday Rob and I got to see our baby once again in an ultrasound. It is always so amazingly overwhelming to see how much this child within me has grown. The purpose of this ultrasound was to check to see that all of the baby's parts were developing properly (they are right on track) and (most excitedly) to see if we will be having a little boy or a little girl.

You may have noticed a little change to the look of my blog, that change as you may have guessed is a not so subtle hint as to what we are having-----IT'S A BOY!!!!!! For those of you that have walked this journey with us from the beginning I'm sure you can understand what a surprise this was for us. For the last eight years we have always imagined ourselves with a girl. When either of us had a dream, we have dreamed of a little girl in our arms. Those thoughts and dreams kept us traveling down this long road, kept our hopes alive. But the reality of a little boy is overwhelmingly incredible. As the last few months have progressed we have learned that God's timing, His reality is better than anything we could imagine, so we are now anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little boy.

I told Rob last night that as the day progressed yesterday, something began to change within me. At the beginning of the day I felt like a pregnant woman. Now that is, of course, a wonderful term. A term that I often wondered if I would ever be able to apply to myself. But by the end of the day, as shock wore off and reality settled in, I found myself feeling less and less like a pregnant woman and more and more like a mom to be. I am no longer carrying a baby within my belly, I am carrying our son. I like that change. It feels good to be able to say those two words----our son!

So here is a look at our little boy. Yes, he is facing downward in this shot. In fact he spent the entire ultrasound in this position. No matter what we did, he just did not want to turn over. I personally love his little curled up legs. I think they are adorable!

Now I know one of the most popular questions is going to be "Does he have a name yet?" The answer? Nope. We have not be able to find a name that has a meaning reflecting the miracle God has performed in our lives and at the same time is a name that we actually like the sound of. As soon as we get it all figured out I'll let you know.

Hope Made Real

2009-09-17T19:11:00.003-05:00

Over the last few weeks I have had MANY people pester me about not posting a new post about the baby, so for those of you that have been on my case---this is for you!

So you are probably wondering why it has taken so long to write this post. There are several answers to that question. For one thing I have had what you might call a text book pregnancy thus far. You see, when you read books or web pages about pregnancy they give you a sort of checklist of what you might expect while you are expecting. Here's a peek at my checklist thus far: Nausea - check, Vomiting - quadruple check, Sore breasts - check, Exhaustion - check, Headaches - check. The Nausea started a few days before we found out we were pregnant, and was quickly followed by vomiting. My vomiting trigger? Brushing my teeth! For the last 7+ weeks I've been having to brush my teeth seated in front of the toilet. Not fun or sanitary. Thankfully I have been nausea and vomit free for the last 4 days! This is the best I've felt since finding out that I've been pregnant.

The other reason I've not posted is that this whole pregnancy thing has seemed rather surreal to me. If I'm totally honest with myself I have to admit that I was just waiting to find out that this whole thing was a dream. There was part of me that didn't want to write about everything for fear of it all going away. After all that God has done for me, how can I still be so selfish? I should be resting in Him, not settling in fear.

Today things just kind of clicked into place for me. I had an ultrasound and instead of seeing an amorphous blob, I saw a miracle. This was actually our 3rd ultrasound. Our first was at week 7 I think. At that time the baby was so tiny it was just a little blip on the screen. Our second ultrasound happened at week 10 when we were unable to hear the heartbeat over my belly. In that ultrasound all I saw was a silhouette of a baby but today (week 13) I got to see God's miracle for me, today I saw my baby. I saw on the screen in the ultrasound room a tiny face, arms and legs moving, a heart beating, a mouth suckling and an adorable body moving to and fro. I was overwhelmed, tears streamed down my face as I realized all that the Lord has done in my life, and all that He is doing in my body. The Lord is so good, so kind, so faithful even in spite of my unbelieving heart. And so in a display of God's goodness I would love to introduce you to "Baby Kavanaugh"

(If you are having trouble seeing the baby in this picture, the baby's head is on the right hand side of the screen. The two bright white parallel lines at the bottom of the head are the upper and lower jaw bones)

Hope In Action

2009-07-26T19:10:00.006-05:00

Ever wondered what $2,000 worth of fertility meds looks like? When the relatively large box arrived at work (there was no way I was going to have such precious cargo sit on my front porch until I got home!) I was a little surprised to see how little was actually in the box.

Now in the spirit of full disclosure I should confess that there is one item missing from this picture. In addition to all the meds there was a small bag full of Hershey Kisses...they didn't last very long!

$2,000 really doesn't buy you as much as you might think, but when you look at those small vials it's hard not to imagine what might be. Even after all of these years, I can't help but wonder if this is IT, is this finally what makes our dreams come true? You hate to set yourself up for disappointment but when you see these vials it's hard not to. I mean you hear about so many people that get pregnant after using injectible meds how can your hopes not be raised?

But a little over a week after receiving our box of hope, we found out that we can't use the meds. After waiting to start the meds for several days I began to realize that something just wasn't right.

That's right! Your eyes are NOT playing tricks on you, you are looking at one very positive pregnancy test! We couldn't start the fertility meds because God had already performed His miracle! Since taking that initial test we have now had 2 blood tests and all of my hormone levels look great, nausea has begun and I can no longer brush my teeth without gagging. While I am obviously not enjoying these side affects I am overjoyed that they are happening. I have been taking great comfort in my discomfort, because it is a reminder that my body is being prepared to care for this growing child. God is so good! After all of these years of waiting, and failed medical interventions I don't think either of us ever imagined that we would get pregnant without medical intervention. We are still in shock and still overwhelmed by God's goodness!

In addition to blessing us with this precious gift, He lavished us with His love by timing everything so perfectly that the very day we found out we were pregnant was the very same day that we had, weeks before, planned to go to dinner with the Hunters (our dear friends and my Dr from Maine) We were able to tell them in person, something we never imagined being able to do since we now live so far apart! What a blessing to share that moment with such dear friends! I'll say it once again - God is good!!

Next week we get to go in for our very first ultrasound. I can't believe that in just over a week we should be able to hear our child's heartbeat! That is something we have always dreamed of but, if I am completely honest, doubted we would ever actually experience. Thank you so very much to all of you that held on to hope when we could not. Thank you for praying when we could not. Please continue to pray for us (all three of us) as we continue through this process. I wish we could tell each one of you face to face or on the phone, but since that is not possible I am very thankful for this technology which has allowed me to share my joy with so many of you at one time!

Hope's Pricetag

2009-06-21T06:06:00.002-05:00

Before I start this post I want to state that this blog title is for fun, following the title pattern I've established. I completely understand that our Hope is found in Christ and that He alone paid the price that allows us to have any sort of hope, without His death and resurrection we would be completely lost and hopeless. So now that I've established my stance on this theological issue here's the post-----

Friday I got a call from the pharmacy that will be providing the fertility meds. After checking our insusrance we found out that we will only owe $200 each time! Now that is pretty amazing considering that the meds are going to cost about $2,000 per month. Let's here it for good insurance!!! So in just a few weeks I will be receiving a rather expensive little package containing a lot of hope.

Now that we are so close to the move and starting back up with fertility treatments I can't help but get excited about all of the possibilities that lay before me. From my perspective all of the pieces seem to have fallen into place, but I have learned time and time again that life doesn't function according to how I think it should. It's hard to find the balance between keeping an excited hopefullness that keeps me moving forward through all of the shots, ultrasounds, blood tests, and doctor visits, and guarging my heart from heartbreak.

Today is Father's day. A day that makes me so thankful for my dad. A man that came into my life when I was 8 years old and has loved me like his own from day one. He is a kind and loving man that means the world to me. The hard part of this day is that I long so much for Rob to experience a Father's day. This day, like Mother's day for me, is a painful reminder that we may never be parents. So today we will head off to church and celebrate the day with our friends and family, but deep inside we will be hurting. So please pray for us today, pray especially for Rob's heart.

Hope Relocated

2009-05-25T19:29:00.002-05:00

Today, after many hours of trying not to think about the thing that I couldn't stop thinking about, I got the phone call we had been anticipating for the last two days. You see, this past Saturday we applied for a rental home closer to our church, and the call telling us that we were accepted came tonight. We are very excited about this move and can't wait to be out of this condo and into a neighbor free home (the house sits on one acre).

The thing I've struggled with through this home search/application process is the same thing I always struggle with...hope. This process took longer than I thought it should and was rather frustrating. Once I found a place I liked I was just waiting for the disappointment - the landlord didn't want us to live there, or someone else got the place instead of us, or some other pity party excuse to keep me from hoping. I hate that about myself. I hate that I always assume things are not going to work for me. I mean seriously, what harm does disappoint do in the big scheme of things? So what if things don't go the way you think they should. Yet I do all I can to avoid disappoint as if my life will end if I allow myself to hope.

I have no idea how to fix this issue in my life, but I'm not giving up. I'm going to continue trying to learn how to hope without fear. I want to learn that no matter what disappointment I experience I am secure in Christ - my life unchanged because of the security I have in Him and in Him alone.

Hope Injected

2009-03-31T19:08:00.002-05:00

Today I learned how to give myself shots. It was a rather strange experience. I guess I just never thought that I would be sitting in a room learning how to give myself shots, let alone that I would be learning this skill in an attempt to get pregnant.

While I was waiting for my appointment I overheard a conversation between my doctor and one of his former patients. She gave birth, I learned, in January and was visiting the staff so they could see the baby they had helped her conceive. From what I could gather from the conversation, this woman had been a patient at the clinic for a couple of years (longer than most people work with this type of dr) and had been trying to have a baby for about 7 years. After struggling so much this weekend with faith and hope I found this woman's story encouraging. I guess I needed an injection of encouragement, and thankfully the Lord met my need once again.

Hope Updated

2009-03-27T17:02:00.002-05:00

So last week I had about a gallon of blood drawn for a multitude of blood tests and thus far everything looks ok. Rob goes in for his test on Monday, and then I head in on Tuesday to be trained to give myself shots. Rob and I talked about it and we are going to put off starting the meds and treatments for a month or two because we are in the midst of looking for a new place to live since our lease ends in May. We thought trying to find a new home, move, and putting chemicals in my body so that we could resume rather stressful fertility treatments all at the same time would be a little unwise.

I know some of you are wondering how I am doing with all of this. The answer? Good. The honest answer? Not so great. My brain is in a constant battle to hold on to hope, and let go of self pity, fear and jealousy. It is an exhausting process. I guess the purpose in my sharing this is to give you more specific ways to pray for me. For us.

Hope Renewed

2009-03-16T17:54:00.002-05:00

Earlier today Rob and I made a step toward picking up hope once again. For the first time since we began our journey nearly seven years ago, we met with a Dr. at a fertility clinic. I had very mixed emotions about this visit. Part of me was excited to see what treatment opinions were available to us. The other part of me was fearing that my worst nightmare would be realized. That we would meet with the Dr and be told that there was no hope for us, that we would not be able to have children of our own.

After more than an hour and a half of meeting with the Dr., discussing insurance coverage, and scheduling tests and training sessions here is where we stand. I'm going to have several verious tests done on my blood and Rob will have another one of his tests, based on these results we will either be starting on injectable meds and IUI's (the training sessions are to teach us how to do the injections) or we will have to reevaluate our situation and most likely start looking into adoption. All of these tests and training sessions should be completed by the end of the month, so as long as the tests come back OK we could be starting up with the meds as soon as the 3rd or 4th week in April. I'll keep you posted on how the tests go. Please continue to pray for us. Your prayers and God's grace are all that keep us going so we are more than grateful to each of you that have held us up for so long. Thank you.

NC Snow #3 Update

2009-02-04T21:12:00.002-05:00

So it seems my excitment over the falling snow last night was premature. True we had a rather good snowfall and a fair amount of snow gathered on the ground in a relatively short amount of time - but the fact is that "relatively short amount of time" was a REALLY SHORT amount of time! The snow completely stopped falling about 10 minutes after I posted the picture and never returned! Snowfall accumulation grand total?....1 inch. Effect?.....all schools in our area closed! It still makes me laugh.

North Carolina Snow #3

2009-02-03T17:42:00.002-05:00

Here is a picture of our third snow since we've been here in North Carolina, the impressive thing about this is that this is more snow than either of our other snowfalls and it's only been coming down for about an hour and half!

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T03:53:00.002-05:00

Well we are officially 4 hours into 2009 and here I sit at my computer. Why am I at my computer at 4 AM you ask---can't sleep. I was in bed before 10 and now a mere 6 hours later here I sit.

I wonder what adventures 2009 will have in store. If you had told me this time last year that I would be living in North Carolina I would have laughed in your face. Truth be told, I would have yawned first (since I was sound asleep this time last year) and THEN I would have laughed in your face! And if you had continued with yoru ridiculous tale and told me that I would actually enjoy living in NC, I would have smiled at you in that patronizing "you ignorant child" sort of way and continued to laugh in your face. Yet here I sit in NC, enjoying my church, enjoying my new friendships, enjoying my relocated Maine friendships, enjoying my marriage and enjoying my job. The only thing I'm not enjoying is missing my incredible friends in Maine. Thanks to all of you that stood beside me over our years in "the County," while we may not talk as often, please know that I treasure each and every one of you!

On another note I want to wish my incredible husband a happy 18th anniversary - for those of you madly doing the math wondering how I got an 18th annivery out of a 1999 wedding let me explain. New Year's eve 1990 I walked into the kitchen at my friend Beth's New Year's Eve party and fell in love, for it was there that I saw my husband for the very first time. We both had intentions of leaving this party early to head out to other parties - but our plans changed when we began flirting over a plasma ball (you know, those sphere's filled with lightning) - don't judge, it was very romantic! It took us a while, and we encountered many twists and turns in our relationship, but I am so thankful for you my handsome groom and for the life we have shared together! You are my true love and I praise God for you each and every day.

To all of you I say HAPPY NEW YEAR! May it be a year filled with the Lord's blessings, grace and mercy.

2008-11-21T07:27:00.002-05:00

This was the view from our front door this morning:

How did the area react to this teeny-tiny amount of snow, you may ask...ALLL OF THE SCHOOLS ARE EITHER CLOSED OR DELAYED 2 HOURS! I just found that hilarious. Back in Maine we would hardly even call that a snowstorm. Too funny!

No...This is Not a Dream!

2008-10-01T19:01:00.003-05:00

You don't need to pinch yourself, or rub your eyes - this is not a mirage, I have in fact blogged! I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock.

So, how do I start this long over due post? I guess I should apologize for being such a delinquent blogger. I've struggled with what to say. I guess in a way I've been overwhelmed by all the changes in life since the last time I wrote anything. Most of you know this but for those that don't we left Maine on Monday, May 19 and arrived in North Carolina on the 20th. I left Maine feeling completely blessed because I was able to spend an incredible weekend at the Women's Prayer Retreat the three days before the move. It was a great weekend alone with the Lord and a fabulous way to spend time with my incredible friends at PIWC (and when I got home on Sunday everything was loaded on the truck so all I had to do was clean up). While there is no way to be completely prepared to leave such close relationships, that weekend away together made it a little bit easier.

When we left on the 19th we officially began our life as a homeless couple. As we drove down to NC the Lord blessed us with a contact for a condo to rent down here and so as I drove through Pennsylvania I called the realtor and arranged to see the place on the 21st. We signed the rental agreement about two hours after looking at the place and moved in on Thursday, May 22. Rob then started work the very next day! Let's just say it was a wild week!! I am so thankful that my friends Mike and Sandra allowed us to stay at their home those couple of homeless nights. Not only was it a blessing to our dwindling bank account, but more importantly it was a blessing to our hearts to spend time with such great friends after over 15 years apart.

One of the things my friends in Maine prayed about while we were at the prayer retreat was fellowship. God has been faithfully providing. As we were preparing for the move I began emailing one of the Admin. Assistants at our church down here and the Lord has used Karen and her husband Robin to bless us over and over. They quickly became our first "couple friends". And Robin helped to occupy my unemployed days with his books (Insert shameless plug here --- Robin Parrish just release the final book in his "Dominion Trilogy" These books were an action packed, twist and turn filled, blast to read. Head to your local bookstore and pick them up. They are available at Christian and mainstream bookstores!) We have, over the weeks/months we've been here made some more friends and are beginning to feel at home here.

Well I know I have not covered everything but I don't want to overwhelm you with EVERYTHING all at once. So I make you this promise; if you will bless me with your presence, I will provide you with something to read on a much, much, much faster basis. Thanks for not giving up on me completely.

Thoughts That Wake You Up in The Night

2008-07-28T07:33:00.005-05:00

Hello everyone, let me introduce myself. I'm Robert, or Rob. Heather's husband. This is something that I don't do(blog) but I feel like I need to. Let me tell you a little bit about myself.. I'm 38 going on 39. I work for Time Warner (and only just recently got into a position that I really like a lot). My dream growing up was to always marry a beautiful woman who loves God and me, and to have a family. Now part of that dream has come true. The rest Heather and I are still working on as you know. Now just to put this out there, if I knew what I know now before I had asked Heather to marry me I still would have done it. Life with Heather is better than anything. Do I want kids? Yes, but I would not give up Heather for that.

Now the way I tend to deal with a lot of things in my life is to bury them deep, don't think about it and move on with life. Not saying it is the best way or even a good way to deal with things. But it's just how I do it for now.

Those of you who have been following Heather's blog know that about a year ago we found out Heather was pregnant. Now just before we had found this out I was praying to God, asking for some kind of sign that what I felt and believed that God had said (that Heather and I would have kids) was true. Well low and behold he answered with Heather being pregnant. Blew me away. I was on top of the world and so very happy. Then we lost the child a few weeks into the pregnancy. Now this is where things start to get hard for me to write. You see one thing that I can't stand is to see Heather hurt. I am the kind of person that wants to fix it if its broken.. Well to say the least Heather and I were hurting. I felt like God gave me a sign, so I shouldn't be angry, and for the most part I wasn't.. I hurt and wanted to help Heather with the hurt but couldn't to a point. So like I do most of the time, I put it away into the far reaches of my mind, was strong for my wife, was that shoulder to cry on and such. Now its not something I just forget about, because not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I see things in movies, on TV, and such that makes me think about what life would have been like with a child. Just last night Heather and I watched a movie with a father and daughter. I told Heather that the relationship they had as father and daughter in the movie is what I believe my daughter and I would have, if we had one. It didn't help that yesterday in church they had up a father and son camping trip ad for the folks in our church. Even though I don't show it on the outside, that kind of stuff hurts. It hurts a lot. I feel like I have lost my faith in what I thought was God's promise; that He would bless us with a child. All I ever wanted was a child between Heather and I. I want to see what that child would look like whether it was a boy or a girl. With her features and mine. I want to know what it's like to have a part of you that you and your spouse made. To know that feeling of loving your child more then anything and wanting to do everything you can for that child. But as of late I have lost my faith in whether or not I will ever know that. I'm sure God has some plan or at least I keep trying tell myself that.. I do know that if He does, that His plan is the best way and no other way would work. But that doesn't always make me feel better. I know I'm not old, but I feel myself starting to get old. I look at the fact that if we have a child now, I'll be pushing 60 before that child gets out of High School. If we have more than one I'm sure I will be over 60 by the time the last one is out. I cold be well into my 70s and 80s before I would see grandchildren. (see these are things I think about)

Now I know there are those out there that say, just give it time, it will happen or just stop trying and when you do it will happen. Man how I hate hearing that. If people knew what it was like wanting kids of your own and not being able too, they would never say things like that. There is always adoption and I'm for that, I think that is a great thing (my father was adopted), but for right now I can't do that, I'm still holding to what a child between Heather and I would look like. Earlier I said I wasn't too angry, but I am, I hurt and get angry and wonder if what I thought was God's promise or at least saying we would have kids was real. Which in turn makes things worse because now I doubt my God who knows best, and I know He does. Humanity is such a curse at times.

Our pastor yesterday was preaching from Joshua, about how the people had no faith to cross into the promiseland and take the land that God had for them. We wonder how they could not have that faith when He had the pillar of fire and smoke for them to follow day and night, dropped manna from the sky for them to eat and water from the rocks for them to drink. After seeing all that they had unbelief. I guess its not too hard to understand since I have unbelief now about rather I'll ever be a father. Not really sure why I'm even writing all of this, just felt like I needed to get out of bed and write this.

Please pray for Heather and I. I know a lot of this is also what she is feeling too. I long so much for a child, and I know at times it must not show cause I bury things away so I don't have to deal with the hurt and pain. I know there are those of you out there that are reading this that can also understand, weather it's with not having kids of your own or other things in your life. Pray for us and each other as we will be doing the same for you. I do know God has a plan for Heather and I. I don't know what it is, but I do know that it's Gods plan therefor it's the only way. Does not mean I still don't hurt.

"REVERSAL!!!!"

2008-05-01T20:42:00.002-05:00

Have you ever been in dead stopped, haven't moved an inch for who knows how long traffic? You know, the kind of traffic that forces you to settle into your seat and try to find a comfy resting position because you know you won't be driving for a long, long, long time?

The funny thing about this kind of traffic is that quite often, usually at the same moment you find that perfectly comfortable "I'm going be at this corner for the rest of my life" position, traffic suddenly moves - it doesn't ease back into forward motion, it gets going at a breakneck speed and you find yourself scrambling to find the gas pedal and to take the car out of park.

That's kind of how life feels right about now, like I'm scrambling to find the gas pedal and gear shift because life just jumped into hyper speed. A couple of months ago Rob and I decided to try to move to North Carolina so we could be near family and a bunch of other reasons that would bore you. When we made the decision the reality of actually making the move seemed a lifetime away, and for those few months things seemed at move at an almost impercievable pace. That all changed on Tuesday. Someone yelled out "REVERSAL" (if this word doesn't mean anything to you check out this post) and all of a sudden we are having to pack up everything we own, find a place to live and say goodbye to some of the best friends we have ever had in a mere 21 days. That's right, you read correctly. Rob and I will be leaving for North Carolina in what is now less than 3 weeks! Breathe - breathe - breathe! (those are reminders for me by the way, I sometimes forget to breathe when I get stressed)

While I am definitely feeling some major stress (which has led to difficulty sleeping and....let's just say intestinal "issues"), I have to say that God has been so faithful through all of this. He has displayed His kindness and provision over and over again. I can't pull all of this together in such a short amount of time, but He can! So when you see me stressing out, remind me of two very important things:
1)To breathe

2)God is good and more than able to take care of all of my concerns.

Truth

2008-04-13T17:55:00.004-05:00

Last night at church I had to face a truth within myself that I really didn't want to admit to. I'm mad at God. I'm mad that instead of preparing for a birth this month, my womb is still empty. I'm mad that He has saved other pregnancies but did not save mine. I'm mad that I'm surrounded by news of blessings but I have been passed by. But I don't want to be mad. While everything within me yells that God has forgotten me, that He never really cared, the still, small voice of the Lord reminds me that He is "near to the brokenhearted, and saves those crushed in spirit" (Ps 34:18) and that He "causes all things to work together for good.." (Rom 8:28). His Spirit won't let me forget that He is purposeful, that He doesn't do things just for the fun of it, He has a plan behind every move He makes.

As I was working through my homework for the Beth Moore "Stepping Up - A journey through the Psalms of Ascent" bible study I'm doing my anger with the Lord was still brewing quietly in the back of my mind. Near the end of my homework I read the following (I've put my thoughts as I read this in parenthesis so you can see where my mind was at the time);

"Take heart that God sees you and is moved by your plight. (yeah, right) He still performs wonders. (not for me) Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Profess your belief to Him daily that you will see the evidence of His gracious hand (what good will that do? ) and, like the psalmist David, stay confident of this: 'I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord'(Ps 27:13-14)(thank you Lord,forgive my doubting heart)"

This section completely humbled me and helped me readjust my thinking. You see last May, while at our Women's Prayer Retreat, the Lord gave me that very verse to quiet my doubting heart and to remind me of His tender love for me. Only a God that cares deeply for me would put this reminder before me just when I needed it. Whether I have a child or not, I can not deny the goodness of the Lord. He alone is sovereign and I must trust Him as I walk this journey. His ways are far higher than mine. Who am I to question Him, and yet because I am His child He allows me to question Him and then He wraps His arms around me as He heals my hurting heart. Thank you dear Lord. Thank you.

American Idol Shocker

2008-04-12T07:41:00.003-05:00

When I got to work on Friday I was surrounded by people talking about the "American Idol Shocker" from the night before. You see, when the bottom three were announced, 2 of the 3 contestants were known favorites in the competition. And then, when the person leaving the show was announced, everyone - contestants, judges, audience and TV viewers alike, were stunned. One of the top contestants was leaving.

But when I watched the episode on Friday night, all of that drama was not what shocked me. It was the opening ensemble piece the top 8 performed. Watch and see what amazed me so...

The End of An Era

2008-03-30T15:06:00.006-05:00

As you can tell I have been in need of a new bible for awhile now. This sounds like an easy task, go online (or if you live anywhere but here you could actually go to a store, WalMart doesn't have much of a selection) put a new bible in your shopping cart, hit a couple of keys and next thing you know a new shiny bible sits at your door. But this wasn't an easy process for me. In fact it took me about 3 months to get a new bible. There was no problem with shipping, or items being out of stock. It was all me. I was having a hard time giving up my old friend.

You see, I've had this same bible nearly all of my christian life. My grandparents gave it to me for Christmas back in 1986. As I flip through the pages of this bible I can see myself growing up. There are passages underlined with red marker because back in jr. high I didn't know that marker would bleed through the pages of a bible. I found notes written in the margin that can only be described as jr. high girl fluffy writing - you know all the the 'i' have circles or hearts above them instead of a little dot.

Even if it's not clearly marked with a specific clue there are passages underlined that take me right back to a certain place or time. In ninth grade we had one class period that was a school wide "Drop-Everything-And-Read" time. I was a fairly new believer and liked to read my bible during this time. I don't remember why, but I had for some reason decided to read Revelations during DEAR time. I remember as if it were yesterday, reading and underlining this passage in Rev. 21. I was so excited by what I read I literally ran all the way to my next class, choir, threw open the door and called out to my Christian friends "Did you know that the there would be no sun or moon in heaven because the Glory of God illuminates it! Isn't that rad!!" So now when I see this passage underlined I am reminded of my new christian enthusiasm and am convicted when I don't get just as excited by God's word.

There are other sections that have dates or names written beside them. These help me remember all that the Lord has brought me through over the years. Loss of friendships that left me eating alone in my car every lunch period my senior year of high school, all I had to depend on was my bible and time with the Lord. It was during this time that the Lord taught me that He alone is sufficient. Or facing the truth about my past. The Lord used His word to heal a broken heart and to wash away years of shame. And most recently, the Lord has used His word to teach me that despite month after month, and year after year of disappointment He IS trustworthy, and loving. I've learned that trust really isn't trust when you get what you want when you want it, true trust happens when it appears that there is no way you will get what you want and you instead trust that He will provide what you need, when you trust His heart more than you trust your own.

So here I am with a brand new bible filled with crisp, clean pages waiting to see what new lessons lie before me, what new memories will lie within these pages.

Spring Starts When??

2008-03-17T16:40:00.002-05:00

This is the view from my guest bedroom window, the view from the master bedroom is just about the same. What are you looking at, you ask? Snow. Lots and lots of snow. Last weekend our roof was shoveled and the result is that we can no longer see out of our windows. Here we are a couple of days before the official start to spring and all I can see is snow! I'm tired of snow. I want green grass, and flowers blooming (deep sigh) but all I have is snow.

A Cacamaka Birthday To You!

2008-02-15T19:40:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow is my "sister" Nicole's birthday (I won't tell you how old she is because she just might stretch her hand out and slap me from clear across the country). I thought I would write her a little note to wish her a happy bithday. Sorry if some of this doesn't make sense to you, just use your imaginations and laugh along with the things that sound funny even if you don't know what they are.

Cole,
I chose to put this picture up because it brings back so many great memories:
- roller blading in the kitchen, or to Karen Schanzenbach's (what were we thinking???) or you trying to skate with a giant box
- our annual "first flood, puddle jumping days"
- Buddy, the only tone deaf dove ever created
- late night talks in our "hallway"
- "Oh-00 say do my boobs..." (Sing along with me, I know you want to)
- our "spontaneous" trip to Oregon and Washington
- being so poor we couldn't even afford to share a Happy Meal
- all the "wild and crazy" New Year's Eve parties we planned. Why didn't we become professional party planners??? Oh yeah, no one showed up.
- "STEAMROLL!!"
- leaving microwave popcorn on your wall for 5 years may be a great way to remember that being single is MUCH better than dating Mr. Wrong, but it leaves nasty butter stains on the wall
- "Driving with only one contact is weird"
- grocery shopping with Dad, or in the pantry of any of our "adopt-a-families"
- can't afford a cordless phone? Get a 50 foot cord instead
- Shy-Shy
- Heather, the most intimidating person in the world!
- calling all of our friends to if they could see their feet when they looked straight down
- late night Reno runs
- reading lips through your bedroom window

Remember the first time we met? The cowgirl meets the preppy. How could we have ever guessed that nearly 15 years later we would still be friends. After all I didn't want a friend, I only wanted someone I could stand being roommates with. I'm so thankful God didn't give me what I wanted but what I needed. The Lord used you to minister to me as I went through some of the toughest years of my life. You kept me laughing, and made home a safe place to be. Thank you. You taught me that it's OK to stand up for myself and that PJ's don't always have to match.

You are a faithful friend and I love you dearly. The "Great Divorce" may have ended us being roommates, but it will never end us being sisters. Happy Birthday Co-Co, I wish I could be with you to celebrate. Since it's your birthday I wouldn't even make faces at you if you wanted to eat cheese and mayo! (At least I would try not to)

Love ya bunches,
Poke

Nana's Birthday Pics

2008-02-13T16:00:00.002-05:00

I know I said I would post these pictures nearly a week ago but my computer was not cooperating with me. It took me several days and even more tries to get the pictures loaded into PictureTrail. Finally it is done! Thanks for being patient with me.

By the way, if you move your mouse over the pictures it will magnify part of the picture for you. Enjoy.

Trip Update

2008-02-07T16:53:00.000-05:00

We made it home from Cali on Sunday night, but I've been heading to bed so soon after work I haven't taken the time or energy to blog. Here's a quick rundown of the trip, I'll post pictures as soon as I find the wire used to connect my camera to the computer (It is somewhere in the luggage)

We arrived in So Cal about 3 hours later than we were scheduled to arrive which means we didn't get to my parent's place until 4:30 AM! We were exhausted but since it was so close to morning we just stayed up. Unfortunately our luggage did not arrive with us so we didn't have the option of taking a refreshing shower and changing out of the clothes we had been in for close to 24 hours. That first day was low-key but nice, we hung out at the house and then had some yummy Mexican food.

Tuesday I woke up with a tight chest and cough. I just wasn't feeling right, but tried to fake it. As the day went on however I felt worse and worse. We took my temp in the early after noon, it was at 101.7 and rising. By the time I saw the nurse at the urgent care center it was up to 102.9 and I was miserable. I got a couple of shots in the butt, a couple of prescriptions and headed back home to the couch where I remained for the next 3 dayys! So much for our great California tour. Rob joined me on the couch on Thursday with a 100.7 temp. Basically our entire trip was spent in one room of my parent's home.

I was feeling a little better on Saturday and thankfully was able to go to Nana's party. It was great seeing my cousins and aunt and uncles. 5 out of 6 of the cousins were there and 3 out of Nana's 4 kids was there. We had a great time catching up and looking at old family pictures. (Most of the pics I'll be posting are from this party) Rob was still running a little temp so he skipped the party, he didn't think it would be wise to go to a nursing home with a fever. I agreed. Shortly after we got home from the party Paul and Jenn, our good friends from San Diego came up to see us. Paul is Rob's "brother from another mother". It was such a blessing to spend a few hours with them. We had a great time sharing with eachother and praying together. Rob and I spent most of the time trying to talk them into moving up to Presque Isle. We'll see if it works. They want to come visit this summer.

I'll try to post the pictures tonight after choir. Thanks for all of the prayers while we were gone.

California Dreamin'

2008-01-26T22:45:00.000-05:00

Rob and I are heading out to California tomorrow for my Nana's 90th birthday party/family reunion. I'm really excited, I'll be seeing some family members I haven't seen in 8-10 years!

I thought you might enjoy seeing some pictures of where we are heading. All of the pictures were taken(not by me, I just found this video on YouTube) around Redlands, CA the town I lived in from 8th grade through early college. My parents now live about 15 minutes from Redlands but I'll spend a fair amount of time checking out the ol' stomping grounds while we are out there. Watch out In-N-Out (home of the BEST burgers EVER!!), here we come!

I'll post pictures from the trip when we get home. Enjoy.

"Vacation, All I Ever Wanted..."

2008-01-10T19:44:00.000-05:00

Rob and I were talking this morning about the fact that we will be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary next year. I can't believe it's been almost 9 years already! Anyway as we were talking I suggested that we go on some kind of trip to celebrate. I figure if we start saving now we could actually afford a decent trip by then. So does anyone have any suggestions? What is the best vacation you've ever been on? Or what should we avoid? We've never really been on a trip that didn't involve visiting family so we are open to any fun idea you might want to share.

By the way, give yourself a pat on the back if you recognize where my post title came from.

I'm looking forward to hearing all of your suggestions!

Back In The Day

2007-12-28T08:18:00.001-05:00

This just cracked me up - way too many memories come along with this song! This was one of my favorite bands back in Jr high, my friends I would "sing" this song at the tops of our lungs. Believe it or not I knew all of the lyrics back in the day. Enjoy laughing at my memories!

Homemade Christmas Memories

2007-12-25T10:21:00.000-05:00

In my last post I mentioned that Rob and I decided to have a homemade Christmas this year. We decided that since there was nothing we really wanted or for that matter needed, we would save our money so we could have some fun out in California in January. The presents we made are far more meaningful than anything we could have purchased and have helped us keep our focus on Christ rather than ourselves.

Here is what we made:

I did my very first watercolor painting inspired by our engagement photo and then put Song of Songs 2:16 "My beloved is mine and I am his" in the corner over the rocks.

Rob made me a clock, and he even put a battery in it so it runs (that's an inside joke - I have a small clock collection and Rob made me take out all of the batteries because the ticking drove him crazy). The flower on the clock is a photo my nephew took and the verse is one of my favorites Psalm 27:13-14 "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord: Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" On the back Rob wrote me a little reminder, "So many times we think our timing is best, but really God's timing is perfect." (There is more to his message but it's mushy stuff) Now each time I look at my clock I will be reminded of my husbands love and God's perfect timing. Overall we have had a blessed Christmas day!

Catching Up

2007-12-11T16:34:00.000-05:00

It has been pointed out to me that I am becoming a slogger (Blogger + slacker= slogger), and so I am going to remedy that right now and finally post something. Since it has taken so long to get something written down you might be expecting something deep, or meaningful from me. If that is so you may be disappointed. I have chosen to write something that hopefully will be a little entertaining.

Several weeks ago Angie a blogging friend I have never actually had the pleasure of meeting, tagged me to share seven weird or random things about myself. So here it goes:

1) I am married to an incredibly kind man. I've been struggling the last few days with the whole Christmas/no kids thing. Rob, recognizing that I was having a hard time left me a very sweet voicemail that helped me refocus myself from the pity party I was having to being grateful for the life I have.

2) My favorite candy is orange Tic Tacs. I can't get enough of them. Most people can eat one or two at a time making a little box last for days. I'm lucky if a little box lasts 5 minutes! Do you think there is a 12 step program for Tic Tacs?

3) I don't like to have my feet touched. I never have and probably never will.

4) The ring finger on both of my hands is double jointed which makes buying rings a pain since they have to be big enough to go over the knuckle but small enough so it doesn't spin around on the finger itself.

5) I make funny faces when I talk. Someone once told me I use faces as punctuation. My friend Judy enjoys laughing at me when I make my random faces so when I went out to California one time I gave her an envelope with a photographs of me making a funny faces, one for each day I was gone. Apparently she put them up on her refrigerator each day so she could start her day laughing.

6) I over emphasize my "ings". For example when I say singing it usually comes out more like "sing-ging". Apparently have done this since I was little and I usually don't even realize I've done it until someone starts laughing or imitates me.

7) My eating habits are based on the texture and look of food. For example I like apples, cinnamon, and the flavor of pie crust but I can't stand apple pie because its mushy. Even after 8+ years of marriage my husband is still amazed at what I will and will not eat and the reasons behind these choices.

So now I get to tag seven of you to share seven weird/random things about yourself on your blogs and I choose...Elizabeth, Bethany, Nicole, Shelly, Rob M., Christa, and Melissa. I put a link to each of these blogs so you can hold them accountable and see what they wrote. Who knows you might get tagged too!

God is Awesome!

2007-11-10T21:17:00.000-05:00

I just got home from church a little while ago and decided to check my email and blogs before heading to bed. Boy am I glad I did! Beth Moore has a new post on her blog that really touched my heart. Here's the part of the post that really got me into an attitude of gratitude;

"It hit me how much God loves for us to call Him by Name and that, when we cry out to Him with titles that have become such meaningful endearments to us - such expressions of relationship, those cries are utterly irresistible to Him. Sometimes, because He knows what we need more than we do, it may seem He's not responding but, in reality, He's right on the other side of that door greatly moved. And timing His obvious entrance just right.
Simple truth this morning. God LOVES to hear you call Him by Name. A Name that MEANS something to you. A term of deep endearment. When the spirit within you cries out, "Abba, Father!" your voice is irresistible to Him. If you'll permit this English teacher a double-negative, God never DOESN'T respond. You may not see Him right away but He will be right next to you all along. He hears you and He WILL act at exactly the right time. Somehow it was profound to me. We - fretful, inconsistent children weak in our natural selves - MOVE THE HEART OF GOD. Because that's the Way He wanted it. Every single time we cry out. Every single time we use His Name and mean it. We are heard. His heart teems with affection and His restraint demands His own long suffering. Take heart!
'Those who know Your Name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You.' Psalm 9:10"

Heading into this break from all things related to fertility (Woo-hoo no more Clomid!!) I needed to be reminded that God's timing is perfect. The fact that I have not seen the answer to prayers does by no means mean that He has not heard my cries. He is just timing His entrance. What an amazing God we serve! What an incredible gift it is to know Him and be known by Him! What an honor to serve Him! What a joy to praise Him!

Another blog I visit had a post with more "Isn't God Great" information. Visit Angie's blog to get all the details but here is a picture that goes along with her post and displays one more example of God's Awesomeness.

"Lift up your eyes on high And see who has created these stars, The One who leads forth their host by number, He calls them all by name; Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power, Not one of them is missing." Is. 40:26

This, believe it or not, is the nucleus of the Whirlpool Galaxy! How cool is that?

And to make a long post even longer, I just have to share an example of God's Awesomeness as displayed in my life. A while ago I posted about my desire to get out of retail and back into Education, God has answered my prayers and has led me to a new job. Starting in about a week I will be working as a one-on-one ed tech once again. I am SOOO excited. God is good!

You Call That Art?

2007-10-31T20:33:00.000-05:00

The mall I work at does a pumpkin decorating contest for all of the stores each Halloween. We decided to decorate our pumpkin to look like our Big Boss John and I was chosen to paint it. Here are a couple of pictures. Sorry the picture of John is so blurry, it's a picture of a photocopied picture in a store newsletter so the quality is not the greatest (This at least gives you an idea of what the pumpkin was supposed to look like)

And So It Begins

2007-10-30T06:53:00.000-05:00

Well it happened some time in the night...the first snow fall of the season. There is just a enough snow covering cars, tree branches and roof tops to remind us of all that lies ahead. I guess it's time for me to start my annual "Now, where did I put my gloves?" hunt.

A Break is on the Horizon

2007-10-21T21:13:00.000-05:00

We only have one more IUI to do. Since the holidays are coming we are going to wait to do that last one until sometime after the new year. I'm thankful I'll be off the meds for the holidays. That time of year has become increasingly difficult over the last few years, and the thought of facing them on meds is almost unbearable. So here we sit, again, facing our last chance of medical intervention resting wholly on our Lord's love, wisdom and mercy. I am tired and need to rest in Him for a while without thinking about this.

I sometimes feel like I am this issue. This is what I'm known for. This is how people interact with me. This is how people talk with me. I wonder is there anything more to me than infertility? Will people be as interested in my life if we are no longer going through treatment? Have I let this consume me to the point that I no longer exist outside of this issue? I have learned so much about the Lord through this journey. He has displayed His tenderness, His provision and His love countless times and in innumerable ways. I have not given up hope that we will have a child, I still believe. But I'm tired. I didn't know before that there is a difference between losing faith in something and growing weary. Now I think there is difference. Sometimes the Lord pushes us forward through our weariness to get to His goal. Other times He lets us rest in Him for a time, strengthening us to continue. Either way He gets us to where we need to be.

There really isn't a point to this post. I'm just thinking out loud. Thats it. Just thinking out loud.

Digging Deeper

2007-10-11T20:39:00.000-05:00

Last week was a rather challenging week for me. I spent much of the week having to keep track of my thoughts, taking each one captive. We started treatments again and my brain was all over the place. By the end of the week I was nearly overtaken by fear. Things felt too familiar and I was fearful I would experience loss once again. It was at this point that the Lord truly displayed His love and mercy by surrounding me with women that recognized where I was, came up beside me to hold me up, and spoke God's word to me and over me. God is so good! He knew my need and He tenderly met it. By the end of church on Saturday much of the fear was gone and I knew that whatever happened it would be ok because my hope is in the Lord, my hope IS the Lord and He is all I truly need. To those of you that helped me through this time (you know who you are), thank you for allowing the Lord to use you to minister to my hurting and fearfilled heart. You are precious to me.

As one of these ladies prayed with me she shared a portion of scripture I had not read for awhile. I'm not going to share it here right now because it felt like a personal gift from the Lord that I need to treasure in private for the time being. The portion she shared did get me thinking about God's heart towards women that have walked the same path I have been walking. The bible is filled with women in the old and new testaments that have experienced the struggles I am now facing. Hannah, Sarah, the woman that touched Christ's robe, Elizabeth. It tells me something about God's heart that He would use these examples to show His mercy, provision, healing, faithfulness and love. Those times that I feel alone and abandoned, all I need to do is look in His word and see the truth.

I want to dig even deeper into these portions of scripture. Does anyone know of any good commentaries or books that focus on the scriptures featuring these women specifically?

Reason #35

2007-09-29T08:29:00.000-05:00

For some completely unknown and unexplainable reason I decided to bake yesterday. My friend Melissa and her baby were visiting and while Elizabeth quietly napped, I began my cookie making adventure. Melissa sat at the kitchen table looking through my scrapbooks as I carefully measured and mixed flour, eggs, sugars and other various ingredients. It was a rather "Good Housekeeping" moment I must admit. Once the chocolate chips were added to the mixture I carefully placed globs of dough onto my Pampered Chef baking stones, slid one of them into my pre-heated oven, set the timer and headed into the living room with Melissa to watch the classic 80's Disney cartoon, "The Fox and The Hound." As we enjoyed the start of our movie the house filled with delectible smells from the oven. Our mouths watered as I took the first tray out of the oven and replaced it with my second tray of ready to bake treats.

Several minutes into the baking process a loud cracking sound came from the kitchen. I quickly got up to investigate. This is what I found.

This appears to be a normal stove but look closer.

Can't tell what you are looking at? Let me get a little closer for you.

Yes, that's the door to my stove COMPLETELY shattered! How did this happen? I don't know. Why did it happen? No clue. All I know is that this is Reason #35 I don't cook very often!

As Promised

2007-09-16T16:39:00.001-05:00

Here are a few pictures of the new place as promised. I didn't include all of the rooms because I haven't done any decorating in them yet. But at least you can see some of what I've been up to the last few weeks. As I get things finished I'll post more pictures.

Thanks

2007-09-07T06:34:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all that responded to my last post. I haven't figured out exactly what I'm going to do, but I have a few ideas bouncing around in my head. I'll let you know when something concrete actually takes place.

Since I last wrote Rob and I have finally moved into our new apartment. We are really enjoying the extra space and the fact that we have no stairs to climb! (I think that's my favorite part!) I've finally made it through all of the boxes and am now beginning to actually decorate. When I get things hung I'll post some pictures.

Thanks again for all the encouragement and suggestions. Love to you all.

When I Grow Up...

2007-08-23T21:28:00.000-05:00

A long time ago in a state far far away, I was a teacher. I went to school for many years to become a teacher, taught third grade for a while and then found myself completely burned out. While I absolutely loved my time in front of the kids actually teaching, I was completely overwhelmed with practically every other aspect of the job. Yet here I am several years, and a couple of unfulfilling jobs later wondering if I should go back to the classroom.

I miss working with kids. I miss thinking of creative ways to explain a concept so that my students walk away at the end of the day knowing more than when we started. I miss witnessing that "oh, I get it!!" moment.

So why am I still in retail? Fear. I'm afraid that teaching here would not be different enough from my experience in California and I would be just as miserable as I was there. The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that I can not continue doing what I am doing forever. I feel my gifts and talents beginning to atrophy within me.

As I continue to sort all of this out, I am open to suggestions. If you think you know what I should do with my career, please share, even if it is outlandish, even if you don't actually know me I'm open to hearing your thoughts too.

Epiphany

2007-08-05T19:59:00.000-05:00

I recently had an epiphany that led to an apology. It all started with a trip to the fair. I accompanied my friend Judy and her family to the fair to watch the Moto X show (If you are not sure what that is watch the video below, even if you do know what it is watch the video because its cool). We enjoyed watching it so much Judy and I went back the next night to watch two more performances!

A few days after the show I had the epiphany: I am just like my mother! You see my mom loves watching NASCAR. She's traveled several hours on several occasions to watch major races. I have mocked my mother on a rather frequent basis about this (which is where the apology fits into the story). I realized that watching cars fly around a track at break neck speeds and watching motorcycles do flips in the air are really not that different. I AM just like my mother - and I'm proud of it! We both are sideline adrenaline junkies.

"REVERSAL!"

2007-07-29T12:45:00.002-05:00

Back in high school and early college I went to Disneyland with a group of friends on a fairly regular basis. I don't remember when it first happened but at some point the Teacups in Fantasyland became a "must ride" attraction. Once we were settled in our teacups, the guys would prepare themselves for the start of the ride. It was vital that you get a good start from the moment the ride began or you would be playing catch up for the rest of the ride and never reach maximum spin velocity. In perfect unison the guys would move their hands round and round the wheel to get their teacup spinning as fast as they possibly could. I usually spent my time searching for a stationary object outside the teacup to focus on in an attempt to keep equilibrium. I've never figured out how they did this, but at the same moment I would regain some control of the nausea growing inside my stomach, one of the guys would yell "REVERSAL!" at the top of his lungs and suddenly the teacup would begin spinning at the same velocity but in the opposite direction. I'm sure you can imagine the impact this had on my inner ear and stomach.

At first I wasn't sure why I woke up the other morning with this memory replaying vividly in my mind. But as I thought about it I realized that this is what the last week or two has felt like; a giant reversal. The ride began with "You're pregnant" and just as I was coming out of the shock - "REVERSAL!"

I always knew the nausea and dizziness of the Teacup ride would be gone shortly after exiting the ride. This life reversal however has the potential of messing with my life for far longer if I allow it to. I'm discovering however that the only way to avoid permanent damage from such a wild ride is to keep my eyes on the Lord. He, and He alone must be the stationary object I focus on. He is the only thing I can depend on. I may experience more reversals in my life, but if I keep focused on Jesus I will not be destroyed by them, I will victoriously praise Him for His loving mercy once again.

Now For Something On the Lighter Side

2007-07-25T15:51:00.000-05:00

I saw this video on a friend's MySpace account and it made me laugh, so after sharing so many serious posts I thought I might share something light hearted. Those of you that know me will understand why this tickled me so much. For those of you just getting to know me, enjoy learning a little bit more about me. Enjoy.

Rejoicing With a Heavy Heart

2007-07-21T20:02:00.000-05:00

First, I want to thank all of you for such joyful responses to our news. You encouraged us greatly. What a blessing it has been these past two days to hear people rejoice along with us. As Rob and I spoke with people we have heard over and over again how news of this pregnancy renewed their faith, answered a prayer (not a prayer for us, but a private prayer they had prayed for themselves), showed them that God is alive and active in the lives of His children. It is this knowledge of how God used this child to minister to His body that brings comfort to me as I must now face the news that we have lost this pregnancy.

Even as I write that I am amazed at how God has ministered to my heart. You see, in my flesh, my usual knee jerk reaction is to have a little pity party. The ol' "well of course this happened, nothing good ever happens, blah, blah, blah." But God's grace and the prayers that have been covering us allow me to sit here tonight and say, my heart may be heavy - but my joy IS the Lord. He IS a God of miracles and has displayed one in my body, He is the source of my strength, and ALL of my hope is in Him. My hope has been restored. He is a good God and He loves me, and for that I am grateful.

Thanks in advance for your continued prayers. I look forward to the day when we can rejoice like this once again.

Love to you all...

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-19T20:06:00.000-05:00

Romans 4:21 tells us that Abraham was, "being fully assured that what He (God) had promised, He was able also to perform." While I, unlike Abraham, wavered in unbelief, I too can now say with out a doubt say that what God had promised, He was able to perform. For you see - about 9 hours I ago I heard the words so many have been praying I would hear: "Congratulations, you are pregnant." I'm pregnant. I am PREGNANT. I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!! Even typing it is making me cry. I can't believe that God was so incredibly faithful even when I was not. He is so good!

I didn't post about my blood test on Monday because I woke up thinking that my period was starting and there was no need to do the test. Several days, and several negative home pregnancy tests later I went in today for a blood test just to set my mind at ease. Not to convince me that I was pregnant, because I didn't think I was. I wanted definative proof that I was not pregnant so each time that thought entered my mind I could combat it with what I thought was truth. Praise God I was wrong! Cause did you hear?? I'm pregnant!

Now that it's almost time for bed, I'm replaying the day in my mind. The thing that stands out to me besides the obvious is just how God has surrounded Rob and I with friends and family that have faithfully stood in the gap to pray for us over the years. Each time we told someone today, God reminded me of the way that person has prayed for us, encouraged us, cried with us and loved us. Each and every person displayed God's love to us and for us. Thank you to each and every one of you that has prayed for us, your ministry of prayer has touched us more than I can say.

I must ask you to continue to pray for our child. My hormone levels were low on the blood test. So please join us as we pray that these levels would increase to a healthy level. I'll keep you posted. Once again I must say it...GOD IS GOOD!!

Wait

2007-07-15T08:44:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow ends another two week wait. How am I feeling about it? Numb. Half of me is completely excited about the fact that this could be the end of the journey, the other half is completely scared that this is just going to lead to disappointment. So to keep these two halves from driving me crazy I've gone numb.

Last night at church a friend shared something with me that I had not thought about before. This friend is going through this same situation so she shared what someone else had shared with her. If Sarah had been blessed with a child right away, without having to wait until she and Abraham were old, Issac would have been too old for Rebekah. God's timing is perfect. So we just need to trust Him and His timing.

So once again it all goes back to Psalm 27: 14 "Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart that courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." So that's what I'm going to do. Wait.

Cale and Nicole's Wedding

2007-07-10T16:33:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I had the privilege of standing up for my "little sister" Nicole as she married her love Cale. It was an incredibly beautiful, and personal ceremony. Scott, the music director at our church did a great job as officiant (his very first, by the way). I love it when the pastor performing the ceremony knows the couple and can make it apply to them rather than just a cookie cutter event.

I took my camera to the event but didn't think through the fact that the Matron of Honor has very little opportunity to actually take pictures at a wedding, so until I can get copies of pictures from others, please take a peak at Elizabeth's Blog. She has some great shots.

A Day At Eagle Lake

2007-07-03T20:55:00.001-05:00

On Monday Rob's family and I traveled North to enjoy a day of rest and fun at Eagle Lake. It rained on and off as we drove up there, and to be honest I was wondering why we were even going since Rob and I had to leave fairly early to get back to town for an IUI (we did two IUI's this cycle one on Monday and another on Tuesday). Once we got there, however, the rain disappeared and we had a blast out on the water enjoying each other's company.

Cool Slideshows!

Candace and Andy's Wedding

2007-07-03T20:23:00.001-05:00

This past weekend we got to celebrate the marriage of my niece Candace to her fiance Andy. It was an incredibly beautiful, personal, and God filled ceremony. Here are a few pictures for you to enjoy.

Cool Slideshows!

Evidence of Grace

2007-06-24T21:03:00.000-05:00

This day loomed before me for quite a while. Yet as its come, and now nearly gone, I've found that God's grace is bigger than my grief. One year ago today my dad passed away. I was fearful that my grief would overwhelm me, and while I've been sad, I find myself enjoying the old memories of Dad's laugh and smile more than I've felt the grief. So here are a couple of pictures of me and my dad so you can smile along with me.

God is So Good!

2007-06-23T07:37:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying that God is SO good! Wednesday after discovering that we were not pregnant, I came home from work and called Josette. What a blessing to have a friend and doctor that "mourns with those that mourn and rejoices with those that are rejoicing." After a good talk, and an even better cry, I put on some praise music and was able to sleep for a couple of hours which did my body and heart good.

As the day progressed and after several phone calls between the Hunter's and the Kavanaugh's, it was decided that Doug and Josette would pick us up for a double date. When they arrived at our house, Rob informed me that he had a surprise for me. I, of couse, was completely clueless and it even took me a few seconds to recognize the surprise even when it was right in front of me. The surprise?...

This isn't the actual limo we used but the look and feel of this image is pretty close. Doug had someone from work drive us in one of his limo's up to Caribou for dinner and a movie. It was so much fun!

Once we came home and were able to talk, Rob and I both commented on how gracious and kind God had been to us. From our perspective the Lord used Doug and Josette to lavish His love on us, to show us a little favor, and to let us know that He has His eye on us. We are so incredibly thankful that we live here. God has surrounded us with so many friends that have supported us in prayer, and have encouraged us with Godly relationships.

Once again I must say - God is So Good!!

The Wait Has Ended

2007-06-20T06:59:00.000-05:00

Psalm 34:18 promises; "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." That is how I'm feeling this morning and I desperately need my Lord near me.

While my natural desire is to curl up in bed and hide for a while, I am choosing to focus on my Savior, my Healer, my Creator...my Abba.

Psalm 61: 5-8
My soul, wait in silence for God alone. For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; the rock of my salvation, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

Thoughts on Waiting

2007-06-19T07:09:00.000-05:00

Waiting stinks! That's it. No more to say.

So what goes through my head as I head into the last few days of this two week wait?
Psalm 27: 14
"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart that courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."

There's a light at the end of the tunnel

2007-06-07T19:29:00.000-05:00

I've heard this song many times before but seeing it with these images totally changed the song for me. I had never thought about the words of the song applying to this part of my life, and yet how well they fit!

A few weeks ago at our Women's Prayer Retreat, I asked the Lord to give me a new word to help me deal with the whole 'baby thing'. His response? "I already gave you a word! Now just be patient and praise me while you wait!!" OK, so I'm paraphrasing a little, but that was the gist of His message for me.

So yesterday when we went in for another IUI, I found myself excited, praising Him for encouraging me with a peek at my clearly formed ovary, perfectly positioned uterus and 8 nicely developing follicles. In the past when we went in for this procedure I was nervous, not about the procedure but about the outcome. This time I feel a real peace. I truly feel that there is a light at the end of this tunnel!

For my groom...

2007-04-23T20:50:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite pictures from my wedding. Not because it is all that fabulous of a photo, but because it takes me back to the moments just before the doors at the back of the church opened for me to make my grand entrance. You see I was peeking through the crack in the door watching Rob get into place at the front of the church. I remember thinking how handsome he looked in his tux. He could hardly contain his excitement as he waited in front of our friends and family. I found out later that he had been up since 5 or 6 AM anxiously awaiting the ceremony and after spending some time praying in the parking lot of the church, drove up and down the freeway as he listened to loud music (apparently he couldn't sit still). As the doors opened for me I watched my groom as his breath was taken from him and he literally took a step backward. I had never before felt more beautiful as I did when I saw his reaction to seeing me in wedding gown for the first time.

For many people their wedding day was the best day of their life. A day they long to repeat. And while it was an incredible day that I will never forget and will always treasure, it was after all just a day. One day in a lifetime of love together. I said earlier that I had never felt more beautiful as I did that day, but I have been blessed to feel that way over and over again since then because my groom, 8 years later, still sees me that way. The Word tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. As my husband has loved me unconditionally he has taught me about Christ's love, Rob's love for me is a picture of Christ's love. I thank God each day for this man He gave to me.

So as we celebrate our 8th year of marriage I just want to thank my groom for loving me and for letting me love him. Thank you for standing by me and being such an incredible source of strength, support and encouragement. Thank you for willingly submitting your self to Christ and letting Him mold you into a man after His heart. You are an incredible man and I am proud to be your bride. I can't wait see what the Lord has in store for us!

A Blast from My Past

2007-04-02T21:35:00.000-05:00

Just a few minutes ago I was reunited with one of my earliest friends (I don't want to say oldest friends since this is one of those "big" birthday years for us and, I at least, find myself a little more sensitive to the word "oldest"). Brenna and I met in 2nd grade and were pretty much inseperable. Our families became close friends which made for some fun memories growing up. We have lost track of eachother a few times but every few years or so we find ourselves reunited. Here are a few pictures of us way back when. I have always been blessed by my friendship with Brenna and the rest of the Betcher clan (my "other" family) and am excited to catch up with all of them! Enjoy the pictures-

Winter is here!

2006-12-04T17:19:00.000-05:00

Well, winter has officially come to the edge of the world! Saturday night was our town's Christmas light parade. We had a great time freezing our buns off watching all the light covered floats pass by, and waving to friends. Here are some pictures.

Candace and me
Meghan and "Wobby"

Rob, Dana & Darren

"Candy and Andy"

This is the Burger King mascot...or is it???

Breathe

2006-11-20T08:59:00.000-05:00

I am still reading the Narnia stories and found myself pondering a quote from Prince Caspian (one of the books in the series). At this point in the story, Aslan confronts Susan with the truth about her heart's condition, the reason she was unable to see Him as He led Susan and her siblings through the night. Aslan says to her, "You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"

This got me thinking about how in the midst of fear, all we truly need is to feel our Lord breathe on us. Our confidence in Him and who we are in Him grow exponentiallly as we stand in His presence and feel His gentle breath cover us. The key to feeling Him breathe upon us is to be in His presence. While that seems like an obvious statement, how often do we wander away from Him and then cry out to Him in disappointment because we do not feel His nearness? He is immovable, His Word tells us that He will never leave us or forsake us. WE are the wanderers, not Him. If want to continually feel His breath upon us we must remain beside Him, in His presence.

Changes

2006-11-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

So, there have been a few changes in our life here in Maine -

1. The Lord has blessed our family by providing Rob with a great new job at Time Warner. Among the blessings that have come with this new position are better pay, better training, and better health benefits! The health benefits include much better fertility coverage! PRAISE GOD!

2. We got a new car! And believe it or not, this one actually has heat!! Woo-Hoo!! I have to admit it is a rather nice feature for a vehicle living in Northern Maine.

3. I got a new do thanks to the exceedingly talent Tina!

Life here at the edge of the world is good, but our God is even better! He is constantly surprising us with His all encompassing goodness!

Choo-Choo, Natalie's two!!!

2006-11-11T11:21:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday Natalie! I can't believe you are already two years old. You are such a big girl now! I hope you had fun at your party watching all of the trains.

I love you bunches -
Auntie Heather

A Truth Revealed By YouTube

2006-10-23T21:52:00.000-05:00

I just visited my dear friend Elizabeth's blog and saw this YouTube video which got me thinking about where I am in my relationship with the Lord. What do I do in the storm? Where do I get my shelter? Sadly the truth is that I have stopped looking for shelter. You see, for quite a while it has seemed that I have found comfort and shelter under an umbrella, yet just as I start to get dry under that umbrella I find a puddle, and I find that I am engulfed in the storm once again. So, several puddles later I find myself avoiding the umbrella all together. I no longer trust the umbrella to protect. I trust the storm.

Forgive me Father for avoiding you. I have trusted my circumstances more than I have trusted you. You have proven yourself over and over again, to be gentle, loving, and protective yet I have allowed the lack of change in my situation to convince me that you don't really care. You are bigger than any storm I may encounter and I will trust you to protect me, to care for me, to love me. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes to the condition of my heart.

I'm Just a Blogger Newbie

2006-10-07T21:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm starting to figure out how to add to and change the look of my blog, which has been pretty fun so far. I know for sure that I've not figured out all the cool things you can do here, so here's the question of the day...What is your favorite blog trick? Something that helps set your blog apart from everyone else's, or something that just makes your blog look cool.

An explanation

2006-10-03T00:02:00.000-05:00

"A Journey Toward Hope," the title of this blog, sums up my walk with the Lord. My journey with Him has been one out of despair, and hopelessness into a hope resting upon Him; His love, His faithfulness, His trustworthiness, His gentleness, His forgiveness.

Hope for me was once a "four letter" word. To hope was to set yourself up for disappointment, and I learned at a young age that I did not like the pain that came with disappointment, so my solution was to give up hope. I no longer allowed myself to get excited about the things that could be, only the things that are guaranteed to happen. As we all know, there are very few guarantees in life, so I did not get excited all that often.

It has taken me a long time to learn that hope is not a bad thing, as long as I place my hope in the right things, namely my Heavenly Father, my Abba. And in trusting Him, He has traded the ashes of hopelessness I brought to Him, with a beautiful garland of HOPE!